Another New Beginning

About three and a half years ago, I started this blog as part of my journey into what I called "the real world." Little did I know how long it would take me to get there.

As I look back on the early posts here, I can't help feeling like it was a different person who wrote them.  I guess really it was.  I can hardly believe all that God has led me through in this past season, and the changes in my life have been both internal and external.  My soul and my situation are both so different now.

Not to say there weren't some really good things going on at the time I started all this, but as I look back I see a kid with some big talk and not much substance to back it up with.  In this season, God is calling me into manhood.  Into hard work.  Into courage.  (Things about which college graduate me had so very much to learn!)

God has also been providing me with new opportunities to share my thoughts.  It's become apparent to me that if I don't have any place to express what God is teaching me, I don't know what to do with myself.  That's part of why I started this, really.  I had all these ideas and no forum in which to teach them, and I was pretty much boiling over.  Now I lead a small group and a worship team, and God has finally given me chances to teach in church again after a long break.  I couldn't ask for more opportunity!

Another thing about the time when I started writing on here was just that: the time.  I had all kinds of it.  Much more than I knew what to do with, in fact, and I wasn't really using it well to be honest.  Sadly, those blog posts are one of the only truly productive things I was doing in a large part of that season.  Now I have a full-time job in addition to all the teaching opportunities I was just talking about.  I certainly don't need to try to find ways to pass the time!

Of course, much more could be written about how I'm in a different place now than I was then.  However, another thing God has been teaching me to leave behind is my compulsive desire to say everything I think needs to be said all at once.  With that in mind, here are just two of many things I think are important moving forward from here.

First, God owns everything.  There's already an appalling number of I's in this post and this blog, and there will be a few more before I get done here.  But he owns everything, and the more I realize that, the more I enjoy life.  He just isn't that concerned about my agenda.  I hold on to my freedom and time in self-employment, and he tells me to get a job.  I pray about a girl, and he tells me... to get a job.  Seriously, he knows what to do, and my time and effort belong to him, not me.  If I'll let him use those things as he sees fit, I believe with everything I am that I'll experience the blessing I've tried (and failed) so long to produce on my own.  Not that it's some magic formula-- it's just that where the Spirit of the Lord is there's freedom.  That's the ultimate blessing.

That brings me to my other point.  I've noticed that my life goes better when it's lived with a healthy dose of just not caring so much.  Now, I don't mean to say that life and doing the right thing aren't important.  What I mean is that a great deal of what I've cared about has been misplaced.  I've cared so much about my own safety and what other people think of me, and that has never produced anything but death.  I just don't have the energy to keep caring about that stuff, and I become the person I really am more and more as I let it go.  I end up accidentally walking into the freedom I thought I could find myself but couldn't!  I have life less figured out than I ever thought, and I can only hope that blessing continues.  Figuring everything else out is someone else's job anyway, and guess what? He's already finished it.

These days, I care more than ever what God thinks about me and less about what everyone else does.  The nice thing about that is that what he thinks doesn't change like people's opinions do.  I don't have to manage it.  Nor can I: no matter what I do, God is only looking at me with love and planning me a future filled with hope.  100% love, all the time-- Even when that means he has to discipline me to get something stupid to stop.  It never changes his opinion on me: beloved son, covered by the blood of the beloved Son.

So, that real world thing I was talking about?  I didn't mean getting a grown-up job (although I did do that).  I mean seeing that this is my Father's world, and no matter what happens I have him.  His question to me in this season is the same as to the disciples in the sinking boat in the storm: why are you so afraid?  And as I realize that he will always be there, I start to fear less.  With him there, it will always be ok... and even if it isn't, I still get to go be with him in heaven at the end.

Still, eternal life starts now.  That life is the light of the world, the streetlights' call.  What is eternal life?  That I may know the only true God and Jesus who he sent. I can do that now.  I can let his light shine through me more and more-- another new beginning, every day, every moment, every prayer.

Want to try it?  Want to see what happens?  Well, you won't read about it here.

Come live it with me.

Sports and Worship

Today I'm going to address two subjects. One has been a big part of my life for a long time, but interestingly not a very big part of this blog.  The other has been an even bigger part of my life but not for quite as long, and therefore has been a huge part of this blog since its beginning.  Now, had I come up with a more creative title for this post I could make a dramatic revelation of what these two mystery topics are at this point... but instead I'll just refer you to the top of the post.  They're even in the right order!  How convenient.

To begin with, I want to subdivide the sports category into two parts: being a sports fan (i.e. watching/following sports), and being an athlete (i.e. playing sports).  I'll take on the subject of fandom first.  I got thinking about this because I had the opportunity to go see an Indians game with a collection of very cool people yesterday.  It was a wonderful time (and the home team actually won, a rarity for games I've been to recently) and I feel very thankful to God to have been part of it.

I'm a worship leader at my church (don't worry, this is relevant to the previous paragraph, just hang on), and God has been challenging me to lead a life of worship, not just when I'm on stage or playing my guitar but all the time.  I was struck again at the baseball game how much seeing a live sporting event is like going to a worship service.  I mean, there's singing, clapping, listening, watching... even prayer sometimes.  All the elements are there-- the question in my mind is just: what is being worshiped?

I'm still not sure what I think about this.  I do know I used to be one of the biggest sports fans of anyone I know. It wouldn't be a stretch to say that I followed all the major sports religiously, and I'd go so far as to say that sports were an idol for me.  Even as God has been helping me put things back in the right order, though, I've been wondering what the proper place of sports is.  I think it's easy to use sports as an escape from the real struggles of the real world-- that's what I was doing before.  Part of me wants to say I should just throw it all the way out of my life if it could cause me to sin, but I don't think that kind of legalism is what relationship with God is all about.  Plus, even after God has broken my idol, I still really enjoy watching sports! So what do I make of that?

My current take on it is that I just need to stay in the real world.  I'm not sure I can explain what that means, but I know when I've left reality to live in a false world, whether of sports, video games, or whatever.  I also know that I didn't feel like that after the game yesterday.  I felt like the game was secondary to the fact that we were able to build community, at least for me.  I think it's a good sign that I had at least two conversations that were more interesting to me than the game.  In fact, the game can even help keep things from getting awkward or uncomfortable by removing the pressure to talk about something all the time.  If you pay attention, though, you can have meaningful and important conversations in and around the action in a totally natural way.  Baseball works especially well for this since there are significant stretches where literally nothing happens, but it applies to all sports I think.

See, even for people like me who are pretty serious and intense, it's impossible to have "important" conversation all the time.  I don't think human beings can support it... and I'm coming to realize it wouldn't even be healthy to do so!  We have to prove ourselves to our friends by being present and real in the little things before we have any credibility on the big things.  And sports, it turns out, are just about the easiest and most enjoyable common ground point I can think for making an initial connection with someone.  So if I can stay in the real world (that God rules) and not lose track of what's really important (living a life that honors Him and recognizes his presence), I can not only enjoy a fun game but also honor God by building relational equity and new friendships (and then by thanking him for all of it!).  If I lose track of reality, sports can swallow my life.  Simple as that.

I think the same thing applies to playing sports as well.  I've always loved running around like a crazy person chasing a ball or frisbee or really anything else sports-related-- never met a sport I didn't like.  It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have it, but there's this innocent joy in just testing what I can do and enjoying what I'm physically capable of.  I never really understood how that related to worship until recently.  I just read, though, about how all of creation worships God its maker.  Let me quote Psalm 19: 1-5--

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,
which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion, like a champion rejoicing to run his course."

How do the heavens have a voice?  How can the sun praise God?  These are inanimate objects we're talking about, remember.  I think they worship God because they do exactly what he designed them to do.  That's why all of creation worships God; we're the only part of it that sometimes chooses not to.  But God's design for us is multifaceted for sure.  Yes, we're designed to worship and praise and love, but God also gave me athletic ability and joy in using it.  Can't I worship him by using that gift with a joyful and thankful heart, following in his design?  If you thinking I'm reaching in making that analogy... well, David made the same one in verse five above!  No, not the bridegroom... that's a whole different kind of worship! I'm talking about the champion. Now, I'm not always a champion by any stretch of the imagination, but I know that feeling of rejoicing to run the course.  I praise God for it.

And that's how sports have become part of my relationship with God.  As we keep the focus on him, all his blessings come into proper focus for us.  The question isn't about making a rule of what's right or how much sports is ok, but about learning to walk with the Lord and submitting to his design, staying present in the reality where he reigns and where he deserves more praise than any sports team.  He loves us and has given us so much, but we can only appreciate the gifts fully when they point to the great giver.  Just like at the end of that same Psalm, what matters is this:

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer."

Confession and Repentance

So, I know in the past I've said in my introductory paragraph that a blog entry would be short... and it's turned into a total lie.  However, this one really is a quick one (by my standards at least).  I think its importance actually comes in part from the fact that it's so simple.

Basically, God showed me this past week that I haven't really been understanding the process of confession and repentance.

I tend to fall into what Timothy Keller (in his book The Prodigal God, which is an excellent book that also derives some of its effectiveness from being short) would call the "elder brother" category.  Now, I'm an only child, but this refers to the story (Luke 15:11-32) of the lost son(s), in which the older brother is angry when the "prodigal" son is allowed to return.  He had been slaving away sedulously (vocab word for the week) all those years, and the rebellious younger son was welcomed back despite being profligate and wicked.

I don't think I begrudge people their welcome back to God, but the point of the "elder brother" idea is that dedicated people often use (or attempt to use) their morality as leverage on God.  I've been slaving away, so you have to do ____ for me, etc.  Now, when these slavers (like me) actually do mess up, they try to earn their forgiveness the same way.

Ever spend a lot of time beating yourself up for your failures?  I know I have.  I thought that was just part of the deal, like a specific amount of self-flagellation would be necessary as proof of being properly sorry so God could forgive you.  The "bigger" the sin, the more beating up of self needed, right? Interestingly, this is also the younger son in the story's plan, but the father cuts him off in midstream when he tries to execute it.

That's what happened to me too.  I (gasp!) sinned this month, and I was starting to grovel about it when God challenged me to put my silly English major brain to work and remember what some words actually mean: confession, and repentance.

Confession essentially just means stating what you believe to be true.  We confess Christ, for example, when we say we believe he is the Savior.  It's just telling it like it is. 

Repentance, in the literal sense, means turning away from something.  It's not the same thing as being sorry at all... it's more like facing in a different direction.

Confessing sin, then, is just telling God what happened. 

Repenting of sin is the part where you stop thinking about it.

Is that shocking? It is to me!  Something in me doesn't even want to accept that it could be that easy, but the fact remains that Jesus already dealt with our sin on the cross, and God continues to be the good father who cuts us off in the middle of our beating ourselves up.

It's so practical and efficient that it has to be God's design.  We get to just tell God, "I sinned, and this is how."  He is already fully aware of how bad it was, so no editorializing or grovelling on our part is necessary.  Then we're allowed to just leave it behind, trusting that confessing is all we need to do to be forgiven (1 John 1:9). 

By the way, not thinking about sin is just like not thinking about a pink elephant (which you just did, of course).  In order to do it, you have to think about something else, not focus on what you're trying not to think of.  If we try merely to turn away from sin, we have to keep checking to make sure it's still behind us. If you just try not to think about sin, not only are you still thinking about it but you also are much more likely to do it again! We become what we look at, I think.  That's why I recommend instead thinking about Jesus dying on the cross, or the fact that no matter what happens, I'm God's son.  Don't turn away from sin, turn toward Him.  Looking that way moves me to awe and worship instead of gloom and self-focus.  I think that's the only way to do it.

"One thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:13-14).

What a privilege!

Mushrooms, but No Shortcuts

I recently took some time off from all my responsibilities and went on a road trip by myself, something I highly recommend doing if you can find the means to do so. (A hint: it's a lot easier if you quit your job.)  It's just good to get out and remember that this is a huge world that God is holding together, and it's also great to catch up with old friends (and relatives)!  More than all that, though, I went looking for some direction and set aside some serious time to seek God for that purpose on the trip.  I didn't keep this a secret, so since I got back a lot of people have been asking what God showed me.

It sure wasn't what I was expecting.

In fact, it wasn't direction in the sense I was asking for at all.  The best way I can actually think of to explain it is just with this story that happened on day 2 of the trip.

I was at my grandparents' house for this early stage of the voyage.  They live on like 120 acres of wonderful land in the middle of not much (central Illinois).  Part of my trip's mission was to take long walks in their woods and talk to God out in his creation.  As I told them that, and almost before the words had finished leaving my mouth, my grandma said "maybe you'll find some mushrooms!"

See, I didn't know this, but my trip directly coincided with the beginning of wild mushroom season in Illinois.  Something else I didn't know was that this is a *big deal* around these parts (perhaps due to the lack of too much else going on).  I mean, I've never seen people get so excited about fungus before!  More on that later.  Anyway, it was clear that on any walk I took in my time there, I was going to be equipped with a "sack" (which is what people in Illinois call plastic bags) for the purpose of retrieving any mushrooms I happened to find.

I wasn't really thinking too much about the mushrooms at first.  I stuffed the sack into the pocket of my jacket and started off down the hill toward the creek behind my grandparents' house with my eyes only occasionally straying downward to check for the ugly, wrinkly morel mushrooms that were supposed to be there for the picking.  They don't really look like anything you'd want to eat, actually.  Anyhow, I walked for a long time, stopping occasionally to rest and pray and bring the things on my heart before God.

I kind of thought, I guess, that there would be a lot of these mushrooms around.  I was looking forward to making my grandma's day since she was clearly pretty excited about my search.  After two and a half hours or so of my walk, though, I still hadn't found a single one of the elusive fungi.  My prayers actually started to shift from my requests for general life direction into requests to be directed toward mushrooms.  I hadn't really felt like I was hearing God answer my other prayers anyway, so I was starting to get a little bit frustrated.

I don't know why he was waiting for this, but almost as soon as I started praying about the mushrooms, God started to speak.  What I felt him say, though, was not what I was expecting or even wanting: "why don't you forget about the mushrooms and just walk with me in my woods?"

So I did.  It's funny: I always ask God for answers when he really likes to give me questions.  And the really amazing thing is that they always end up being the answers too.  Anyway, my walk suddenly got much better.  The sun came smiling through the trees after hours of overcast, and either a great variety of birds started suddenly singing... or I just started to notice them.  I felt God just show me his love.  Finally, I got pretty tired and hungry and sat down to rest beside the creek a little before turning back toward the house.

I turned around, put my hand down to get up... and there it was.  Yup, a mushroom.  A big, ugly wrinkled one.  I picked it and thought I would at least have something to show for my time... but that wasn't it.  I looked around a little more, and I kept finding more and more!  In one little area about the size of my apartment, I found so many that I almost filled the sack.  I was unreasonably happy for someone carrying a bag of fungus.  I started to understand maybe why the locals were so into this... maybe.

After the initial euphoria wore off, though, I realized that the mushrooms were just the next part of what God was trying to tell me.  I was so concerned about my own life and my own stuff, when God just wanted me to spend time with him.  What a crazy shortcut to attempt, getting God's direction without taking time to invest in relationship with him.  But I do that all the time.  The mushrooms were just a symbol of that, and really--he had been leading me towards them the whole time.  The blessing was only revealed in fellowship with him, though.

Now, I don't think it's wrong to ask God for specific direction, just that it wasn't God's plan for my trip.  David asked for very specific guidance, as did many others, and God answered them.  You don't really read about Jesus asking the Father for directions, though.  The model he gave is in John 5:19: "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does."  Jesus just lived life as close to his father as possible, and then he could easily see what the Father was doing and join him in it.  He didn't ask, he just walked in fellowship with his eyes open... and he saw.

That's what I think God wants me to do for the direction I need for my future: draw close to him and keep my eyes open.  It just takes the trust that he really is leading me all the while to things I can't currently see.  Otherwise, the request for direction is just about me, not about him... and he doesn't do shortcuts like that.

By the way, everyone at my grandparents' church was very impressed with my mushroom find... apparently I passed some obscure Midwestern initiation rite without even knowing it!  I wasn't just a city kid anymore, now I was a mushroom hunter and better, a finder.  Only God could come up with something like that.  Oh, and my grandma was so excited as she fried up the mushrooms and made me eat most of them in honor of the find.  I guess mushrooms can be significant after all... and they were delicious :)

Goals, past and present

Well, I've been writing like a madman all week (and last... and next), so I want to keep this short.  I just thought I would give an update to the small world of my blog on how I did with my New Year's "resolutions" last year.  As you may (or more likely, may not) recall, last year around this time I wrote a post denouncing the idea of New Year's resolutions and then made two of them in that same post.  It seems only fair, seeing that I shared them with the world, that I let everyone know how they went.

First, I resolved to drink more water. I think it's safe to say that I definitely did that, but it happened fairly intermittently and not as consistently as I would like.  It did result in me buying a nice water bottle that makes me much more likely to drink water, so that's definitely a positive.  I think what really happened is that, toward the end of last year, I got really overwhelmed and all these high-minded resolution type things I was thinking about just went right out the door.  I'm doing pretty well with this one this year so far, though.

The second resolution was to be on time for things.  Keep in mind that when I wrote that one, I was completely unemployed.  It's amazing what wonders having somewhere you have to be on time to or get fired will do for your punctuality.  It's nothing like college, that's for sure :)  Anyway, I feel like I've come a long way in this area.  There was a momentary setback when I moved and didn't know how long it was going to take me to get anywhere for awhile, but now I think I'm back on track.  I really like how life feels a lot better when I'm not constantly running late!

Speaking of that... well, first of all, I had a good talk with some friends recently about goals for the New Year.  I said how I don't like resolutions, but a friend of mine challenged me that living life without goals is really dangerous.  I knew I had to agree with him, and it led to a discussion about goals vs. resolutions.  In a resolution, people tend to just resolve to be different, which is what I bristled against last year.  Goals are more like a plan for long-term growth.  What I ended up doing last year, really, was setting some goals: by the end of the year, I want to be doing better in this area.

So, this year I'm setting a goal again.  I want to stop procrastinating.  This is huge for me, because I've been this way for a long time, but I really want to do things before the last minute at least some of the time.  The reason I've been writing like a maniac this week is because I let this enormous period of time I had to work on the huge project I'm under contract for elapse without doing hardly any of it.  The deadline is in a week and three days and I still have a long, long way to go.  Needless to say, this is dramatically reducing my quality of life.  Completely aside from the fact that all I have time to do is write, the whole thing is also very stressful, what with the possibility of failure, humiliation, and worst of all: not getting paid.

Mind you, I think I'm going to make it.  I have a plan for making it.  I will do everything in my power to make it.  The point is just that it didn't have to be like this.  Even a little bit less procrastination would have made this month a much more enjoyable one.  That's how I want to live in the future.

And one step further: I don't think I can be the things God is calling me to be if I won't learn to work ahead of time and get the procrastination under control.  I live on my own now.  If I won't get the things done that need to happen in my life, no one will (unless my roommate bails me out somehow, but that's different).  It's time to man up and live like I care about where I'm going.  Maybe this deadline crunch is exactly what I needed.  It could end up getting me on the right start for not just the new year but for the rest of, you know... life.

Moving

As I mentioned last time, this is a season of many new things for me as I move out of my parents' house for the first (and hopefully only) time.  Well, it really did (after some unforeseen delays) happen, and the dust is just now beginning to settle a bit.  There are countless things that could be said about this whole process and all it entails, so I really can't let it go by without blogging about it at least once.  Besides, it's really the main thing that's been happening in my life and my heart recently, so I can't imagine writing about anything else right now anyway.  What follows is a sampling of my thoughts from the past few weeks.  If it seems a bit random or chaotic, then it mirrors exactly the process of moving in general, at least to me.

This may seem self-evident, but one of the biggest things about moving is all the movement it causes.  It sometimes seems like everything is constantly in motion.  I think this is one of the best reasons to do it every so often, especially for people like me.  Sometimes I can just get very stationary in life, not doing much or making much progress in any direction.  Moving does not allow for that option.  I feel like I've learned so many things and in so doing gotten out of my own little world and into the real world at large to a much greater extent.  It's a wonderful, beautiful place to explore-- it makes me feel small, and that's a good thing.  It breaks the illusion that I am a big deal in a small world that I orchestrate to orbit myself.  Instead, I'm just a little man in a huge world that revolves around God's never-failing plan.  And that, my friends, is a comforting thought.

Another big thing that moves when you move is emotion.  It's a good thing that God started helping me learn to deal with my emotions before I started this process, because I had no idea that I could feel so many wildly different things in such a short space of time.  I have felt overwhelmed, exhilarated, afraid, happy, sad, peaceful, lonely, joyful, confident and any number of other things that I don't know how to name, sometimes all at once or in rapid-fire succession, sometimes at longer stretches.  I say stretches because that what it's doing to me in a big way-- it forces me to go to God, feel what I'm feeling, and bring it to him for help.  The only other option would be implosion, I think.  Another good reason for moving: anything that brings our constant desperate need for God into such sharp focus has to be a good thing.  He always comes through when he has to, and being closer to him is the end goal of life anyway...

Moving has really highlighted the value of relationships for me as well.  The people I care about mean more to me than ever now that I have my own house to welcome them into.  That being said, if I just stay in my house and retreat into myself, those relationships will suffer-- they need investment and time.  I mean, it helps if you have a wonderful, like-minded brother to move in with you, but even (or especially?) that kind of relationship is not self-sustaining.  It needs care and time to achieve the constant growth necessary for health... but it's worth it.  I would argue that relationship (i.e. friendship, love, community and real connection) is one of the biggest things worth striving for in all the world.  If you count relationship with God, then it definitely IS the most important.

And of course, moving teaches many more mundane or practical lessons as well.  For example, it is a better idea to wait for your roommate to help you move large furniture up two flights of stairs than to do it yourself because you just want to be finished with the task.  Similarly, it is a good idea to bring a quarter to Aldi when you go there and get a cart, rather than trying to hold your whole trip in one big box that was lying around.  On a related note, Marc's doesn't take Visa cards (or any other kind except Discover, it turns out).  What?!?! Who knew?  And who knew how expensive most of the things I really like to eat are?  And who knew that garbage disposal and recycling require a six-page manual?   Paying bills, repairing locks, cooking food... man, I'm starting to feel like a freaking adult.

And it's all exactly where I'm supposed to be.

A New Street

When I started this blog, I noted that in some ways it was a chronicle of my journey into the "real world," as far as I understood that at the time.  The first entry was over a year ago now, written the day after I turned in my last paper and shut the door on college.  The journey continues to be a long and strange one, and although I'm still not sure I know what the real world is, I believe I'm taking the next step towards it.  Tomorrow begins the one year lease of my first apartment, my first time out from under my parents' roof.

I have lived in this house where I sit right now for 19 1/2 years, which is a pretty high percentage of a life of only 23 1/2.  There are memories in every corner of it; in some ways it will always be home.  It's time, though, and it's been time for a while now, for me to move on.  I think it will be a spiritual change just as much if not more than a physical one.

It's funny, because for a long time I've thought of autumn as a time of new beginnings.  I know everything is dying and falling and such, but it seems to me that new things are always beginning in this time.  Maybe it's just that every school year offers the elusive possibility of a fresh start, but even now that I don't have that on my plate, things still feel new around the fall.

I have no idea what God wants to do in me in this season, but I want all of it.  He's giving me a new road to walk down, and I don't want to miss any of it by taking unnecessary detours.  I love my parents, and I'm blessed to know that I'll always have a place to return to if I need it.  But for now, God is sending me to be a light on a new street.  I look forward to writing again from there!  For now, I'll end with a poem I wrote a long, long time ago that somehow feels very fresh and new to me right now.  Things always cycle like that, I'm finding.  Out of death comes new life; out of old things, new things are born.  And fall doesn't really begin until you drink apple cider around a fire :)

Deeper



Floating in the same wind that brings
impending autumn, surrender
and freedom awaken together.
With hayrides and first
days of school
comes the dream that this fall
could be different,
the restless replaced
by anticipation,
a promise beating back
the patterns circling
viciously around—
a fall deeper, into one
transcending the changing seasons,
more faithful than the turning
leaves, who bears me in
their opposite direction,
resting in pursuit
and drinking apple cider
by the fire.

Devotion

There's an old saying that goes, "Don't put all your eggs in the same basket."  This is commonly regarded as wisdom, since obviously if you drop the one basket carrying all your eggs, you then have zero eggs, which would be the worst possible outcome.

I'm not sure it works that way in God's kingdom, though.  Check this out:

"Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching.  Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through a prophetic message when the body of elders laid their hands on you.  Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress."

--Paul, in 1 Timothy 4:13-15

Paul is asking Timothy to put all his eggs in one basket.  Devote yourself, be diligent, give yourself wholly.  These are all or nothing phrases.

I think we shy away from approaching life like this for a couple of reasons.  For one thing, devoting yourself to anything (which implies complete focus and being set apart for a task--similar to holiness, actually) is hard work by definition.  It is all consuming, and a lot of us have trouble committing to things like that.  So, laziness gets in our way.

Even deeper than that, though, I feel like we avoid this devoted lifestyle because of fear.  We are somehow afraid that it won't turn out to be that great and we'll be left with nothing else after the eggs drop.  We really don't think God's plan is the best, so we follow halfway just in case it is the best, while also making our own plans and holding onto those.  It doesn't seem to work, but that doesn't usually stop us.  Maybe that's why Jesus said we have to lose our lives to save them.

Then another thing we fear is the reaction of others.  Paul comes right out and tells Timothy that everyone will see his progress: little or much, good or bad, it will be right out there.  Streetlights are right out in the open, not hidden.  If we devote our lives to following the Lord, people will be able to tell, and our successes and failures will be much more visible if we're willing to be real.  I think that's why we paradoxically try to save face by not trying as hard as we can.  That way if what we're doing fails, we always have the out that "we weren't really trying our very hardest."  Who knows what would have happened if we were?

So that's where I find myself today.  I know that I want to devote myself to following God, reading the word, and using my spiritual gifts.  I want to be diligent.  I want to devote myself wholly to this.  I am also afraid.  But, I know the times when I am most devoted to God are the times I am most free.  The same decision presents itself every day, every hour, every moment.  All I know is, regardless of my past choices, my current fears, or old sayings, right now I choose devotion.

Summer thoughts

In my last entry, I mentioned that I haven't been writing much partially because I often feel like I don't have anything to say.  After thinking about it some more, I think the next part of the story is that I don't feel like I have anything to say because I put too much pressure on myself to come up with something profound and world-changing.  I mean, I'd love to be full of amazing insights and witty commentary on the world, and some days maybe I am.  What I'm coming to think is really valuable, though, is just a willingness to be real.

The people I enjoy being with the most are the ones that I know are being genuine with me.  I've been on a journey of learning how to be more real with people myself, and I think part of that is not expecting myself or anyone else to be amazing all the time.  So in that spirit, here are some random thoughts that may or may not shed any light into who I am or any other mysteries of life.

1. People who do amazing things usually are not looking for acceptance.  They live, create, and work for the joy of it, and incredible things just happen.  Acceptance and approval are just side effects.  Unfortunately, what often happens next is that they get hooked on the feeling and then try to do what they used to be doing in order to get approval and popular recognition.  Then they stop doing amazing things.

2. In order for someone to love you, they have to know who you really are.  That means you have to be who you really are, or at least attempt to.  Otherwise, the person being loved is someone that doesn't really exist, a fake self of your own creation.  Actually though, people won't love this fake self that much anyway... it'll be more like admiration, because fake selves tend to have only good points and no weaknesses.  Again, it's essential to be genuine.  You might think you want to be impressive, but you really want to be loved.

3. I catch myself trying to be profound even when I've just said I'm not going to.

4. My motto in life: "Stay away from the drama" (bonus points for people who know what song that comes from).

5. It's pretty hard to beat cool summer nights as far as perfect weather goes.

6. My ranking of the seasons: 1) Winter. I'm always hot all the time, and winter is the one time I can avoid this.  Plus, snow is pretty much my favorite thing ever, as I believe I have rhapsodized about on this blog somewhere.  2) Autumn. It sounds much cooler called by its proper name, and the crispness and coolness in the air is amazing.  3) Summer.  Despite the cool nights (which, awesome though they may be, are rare) and the ability to run around and do crazy stuff outside, the extreme heat brings this one down the list. 4) Spring.  Maybe it's just because we hardly have this one in Cleveland or because its main characteristic seems to be incessant rainfall, but I've never been a fan.

7. My ranking of Starburst colors: 1) Pink, the undisputed king (queen?) of the starbursts. 2) Yellow, the underdog that I always get to eat the most of because no one else likes them that much.  3) Orange, nothing fancy, just orange. 4) Red, because I don't like things that are supposed to taste like cherries.  They don't, and what they do taste like is this cough syrup we used to have when I was little.  I've never been able to get past that.

8. I've always been extremely competitive.  As I've gotten older, though, I've started to realize that the people you're playing with/against are more important than winning (a shocking revelation, no? It took me a long time to figure it out).  I still try to do my best, but that really makes it much less of a big deal when I don't win.

9. I do still beat myself up when I don't feel like I personally did as well as I should have, though.  Not saying this is a good thing, just that the competitiveness isn't all the way gone.

10. One of my very favorite things to do is just sit around and have long conversations about things that really matter.  It's impossible to generate those times, but when they happen it's amazing.  It's totally worth going through the times of superficiality and whatever else it may take to get there.

11. Writing gets a lot more fun the less pressure you put on it.  A deadline is one of the biggest forms of pressure ever invented.

12. I just got texting on my phone this past month.  It's amazing.  I don't really know how I made it so long without having it.  (For those of you who are wondering, this does not mean I'm any more likely to ever get Facebook.  I never had any antipathy toward texting, I just didn't have money to pay for it.  Facebook is a completely different story.)

13. Another thing I love doing in the summer is lying down in front of a fan.  My family will tell you that I do this often, at completely unpredictable times.  These are things you learn to do when you don't have A/C.

14. Fourteen is a really random number of things to list, so I'll stop here.  I also like making abrupt exits.

Seasons

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven"

--Ecclesiastes 3:1


My recent season, as you may have noticed, has not been the season for blogging.  It would be easy to say that the reason for my lack of writing and posting is just that I have a lot of other things on my plate at the moment, but I don't think that's really the whole truth.  I was getting frustrated the other day about all the things I have to do, but truth be told I have all the time I need.  Really, I haven't been writing because I haven't felt like I had much of anything to say.

I'm coming to realize that the ongoing battle of adulthood is not just about making it through all your responsibilities to clear out some free time for fun or for pursuing the Lord.  It's about keeping your heart alive, right in the midst of all the stuff of your life, so that you have something to hold onto when the responsibilities are finally finished.

I don't know if you've ever felt like this, but for me it's easy to get lost in the practical.  There are specific things (e.g. my job) that I know God has called me to do, so I tend to focus on just accomplishing those things.  What I mean about keeping your heart alive, though, is that no practical thing you focus on is going to be able to hold up your life by itself.  There has to be something transcendent at the foundation.  I think I was missing God himself in the pursuit of all the things I thought he wanted me to do.

That's how you end up feeling like you don't have anything to say.  And in a sense, maybe it should be considered progress that I've finally realized I should just be quiet if I don't have anything to say (see verse 7 of the same chapter).  I know I've often just talked right on through those times, saying very little in many words, which benefits no one.  Just the absence of speaking by itself, though, is not enough.

I want to be silent before the Lord until he gives me something to speak.

Then, I'll have something worth saying.  The trick is, he's still calling me to do those things that I've let get in the way of seeking him out.  I think what he wants is for me to find him in those things, to pursue the love and joy that he has for me in my job, my friendships, my calling, etc.   I know that I can just practically manage those situations and find that I have nothing to speak in them.  Or, I can try to find the holy moments in the midst of the mundane.

I think doing that will also lead to increased desire to pursue God himself in the quiet (as well as the love he brings me through my friends) when I do have time.  It's like the opposite of a vicious cycle... an upward spiral?  I think that's what St. Anselm was getting at when he prayed this prayer that is also my prayer in this season:

"Lord, let me find you in loving you and love you in finding you."

Amen.

One Thing at a Time

I just have a quick thought for today, and I realize it might seem like kind of a "duh" moment to everyone else.  It's been a pretty important revelation for me though, so I just thought I would share.  Plus, it's something I need to keep coming back to, so writing it down should really be helpful in that regard too.  Ready?  Here it is:

I can only do one thing at a time.

Pretty earthshaking, no?  Of course, there is always multitasking, and I don't deny it (even though it's a skill that many of you know I possess in very small measure), but that's not what I'm talking about.  No matter how good of a multitasker you are, you still can only be in one place at any given moment.  Whatever you're doing, be it one thing or fourteen, is all you're doing.  Put that up against the countless millions of things you could theoretically be doing, and multitasking doesn't seem to matter as much.  There are still way more things happening than you can ever possibly be part of.

That last thought is one of two things: really depressing or really freeing.  It's just a matter of how you look at it.  I think I've lived a lot of my life with the mindset that I had to keep from missing out on things.  If there was a party or event going on, I felt like I had to be there or I'd be missing out on something I desperately needed, something that would make my life better.  I'm sure my rampant desire for people's acceptance had something to do with that, but that's really another blog for another time.  For the purposes of this one, it's just important that I've often felt like I was missing out.  And of course, as I've said, each moment really does contain millions of things I'm not doing.  It can get a little overwhelming if you start thinking about it like that, and that's where you can start getting depressed if you aren't careful.

On the other hand, the freeing side of this whole thing is that we can choose to focus our attention on whatever we are doing instead of what we aren't.  What if that was all we had to worry about?  How do we choose out of all the possible choices the one thing we are going to do and focus fully on that in each moment?  Actually, that's pretty overwhelming too, on the face of it.  That's why we need the Spirit of God in our lives.

Believing that God has a plan for you and is sovereignly directing your life changes the whole equation.  We can actually ask God for directions, ask him to tell us by his Spirit what we should be doing, and he will!  Then, we just have to be willing to do it, but again that's a different blog.  If we know God is leading us, though, that should certainly raise our level of confidence.  If we actually start believing that his plan is best, we probably will spend a lot less time worrying about missing out on things.

Having a job has really helped put this all in perspective for me.  There are significant amounts of time that I just have to be there, some of which are also times that other things are going on that I might like to do.  Now, I can get all worried about what I'm "missing out" on (the party, the girl, the worship night, the free time, etc.) if I want to.  However, I can also choose to believe that God has called me to work as part of his larger plan to move me into the rest of my life and has provided this job for me to do that.  If that's true, then that's where I'm supposed to be, and it will end up being the best for me in ways I can't even understand yet (and some that I do understand, like $$). 

"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).  All things!  Really, that makes it impossible to miss out on goodness.  Whatever we do, God is working for our good as we submit to his purposes.  That's true even if it doesn't seem good to us at the time because all too often what we feel has absolutely no bearing on what is true.  Maybe that's why we get so worried and upset about many things, when only one thing is needed (see Luke 10:42). 

So, if we feel like we're always missing out, it probably means one of two things: either

a). we don't really believe that what God is calling us to do is the best thing, OR

b). we don't know if what we're doing is actually what God is calling us to do.

The way out of this pattern, then, is to always be asking God what he wants us to be doing (note: even while we're doing things! Check out Philippians 4:6 and 1 Thessalonians 5:17--  Scripturally mandated multitasking!  Looks like I need some practice... yet another thing my job can be good for).  While we're at it, we can also ask for faith to believe that he will lead us and that what he tells us will be the best thing for us.  That's freeing and comforting to me because it puts all the need to make things happen where it belongs--with the One who can actually make them happen.  God doesn't call us to more than we can handle.  Well, actually he kind of does... but then he handles it.  He's in charge of the millions and millions of things.  All we have to do is one thing at a time.

Growing Up

For those of you keeping score at home, this is the 23rd post on my blog! It's interesting that it worked out like that, because this is also my first post as a 23 year old. Hah, I almost wrote "the first post of my 23rd year," but that obviously wouldn't be true because this is the beginning of my 24th... but yeah.

Anyway, I've been feeling for quite some time like this particular year was going to be a big year of change and growth for me. It all has to do with the process of growing up. I realize, of course, that there's no getting around the fact that being 23 years old makes you an adult by any reasonable standard. It's just that I didn't really feel like one.

See, in way too many areas and situations, I've still been waiting for life to come to me. When you're a kid, that's pretty much how things go. Life happens to you, and you roll with it and have as much fun as you can while still fulfilling the demands being placed on you by authority figures so you don't get in trouble. In America, we've managed to extend this phase even further than just grade school or even high school. College is pretty much the same deal; it's like a four-year (or more) extension of childhood and freedom from the dreaded real world. Then you get spit out at the end of it, and (especially if you graduate with a liberal arts degree) you're no closer to knowing how to handle the real world than you were before.

At least that's what happened to me. Anyway, the end result for me was essentially a vague and nameless uneasiness about my life and future. Kind of like, wow, I'm a college graduate, but who am I and what am I doing? And because that's such an open-ended question that has no easy answers, the path of least resistance becomes doing nothing.

Unfortunately, that pretty much creates a vicious cycle: you have anxiety, you ignore it and don't make progress, which makes you more anxious. It sucks. The question, both for me and for others who find themselves in this situation, is whether the crushing weight of expectation and fear will drive you to God or away from him.

For quite awhile, I resisted what God was trying to do through my anxiety. Eventually though, the desperation it created led me to his feet. The funny thing was, he actually wanted to heal me, not make me do a bunch of stuff I felt powerless to do. He wanted to teach me the fear of God and help me get rid of my fear of men, and he also made much more of his love real to me.

I can only be a man because I am his child.

As that truth has been steadily sinking into me, a lot of things have been happening. I'm becoming more truly myself than I have ever been. I care much less about what people think of me. Plus, God has been providing for me greatly, both spiritually and physically. He's giving me strength and vision again, not to mention a job (or two jobs, actually). I'm learning how to be much more purposeful with my time too. I regret the time I've wasted, but I believe God is redeeming the years the locust has eaten (Joel 2:25). He's leading me into a brand new season. At 23, I finally feel like I'm growing up.

Godly sorrow

I think one of the driving forces of our culture in America is the desire for constant happiness. Because painful emotions are so, well, painful, we do our best to push them completely to the margins of our lives. For marketers, this is the perfect cultural climate, mostly because happiness is often so fleeting. They go ahead and prey on the idea that we should always be happy and that we should use such and such product to attain that goal, which works well for them because we quickly get tired of things and then have to get more to get back to that elusive happy place. The cruel trick of this system is that we end up feeling like there's something wrong with us, not the system, because we aren't happy all the time.

But what if pain really has a purpose? What if those unsettling feelings are important windows into who we actually are and who we are supposed to be becoming?

I'm reading this book right now called The Cry of the Soul by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III (by the way, don't you wish you could put "the third" after your name? It makes it sound much more professional and important, don't you think?) that basically talks about using our painful and dark emotions as a bridge to greater relationship with God. It is a fantastic book and I highly recommend it. In light of our American culture, what it got me thinking about was the specific value of the sorrow we are trying so hard to avoid feeling (but honestly, can never truly escape). The Bible has a lot to say on this topic, but here's just one verse that has really captivated my attention:

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death" --2 Corinthians 7:10

No wonder the world is trying to avoid sorrow; perhaps they've picked up on the fact that their particular brand of it leads to death! It's perfectly natural, apart from God's intervention, to try to avoid pain at all costs. But do you catch what happens to the progression when God enters the mix? Godly sorrow --> repentance --> salvation. What an unexpected endpoint! Sorrow helps to save us?

Here's how I see that working: it's the difference between two words that are very similar and thus often confused, despair vs. desperation.

The great thing (or one of the many great things) about words, as English majors such as myself will be quick to tell you, is that they have such subtlety of meaning. Very rarely do two words mean exactly the same thing. Even synonyms usually have some subtle difference that separates them or some situation where one is more appropriate than the other; otherwise, why would we need two different words? Anyway, despair and desperation are two words like this. They are commonly used synonymously, but they are different and the distinction is an important one.

Despair means the loss of hope. A more accurate synonym for it would be hopelessness. It's easy to see where that leads: people who lose hope give up. This is sorrow leading to death, or worldly sorrow to use the terms of Paul in the verse above.

Desperation means the state of recognizing that one is in very serious and pressing need. A more accurate synonym for this one is brokenness. This leads people to do whatever is necessary to see that serious need be met. This sorrow, by God's grace, can often lead to repentance and life-- godly sorrow, as Paul would say.

See the difference? Despair looks at sorrow and sees no way out, so it refuses to deal with pain, opting to drown it out or die trying. Desperation looks right at the sorrow, enters in and cries out to be comforted. Despair sees no way out; desperation sees that there is only one way out and clings to its last chance for dear life.

On its own, of course, desperation isn't enough. But, when we realize that God is that way out, all of a sudden desperation leads right to salvation. We pursue God with single-minded fury and passion, turning from all the things that hinder us from getting to him (which is a pretty good definition of repentance, if I do say so myself), and holding onto the corner of his robe (see Mark 5:25-34) like our lives depend on it (which they do). End result: salvation, and no regrets.

Let me finish by going back to my definition of desperation, recognizing that we have a serious and pressing need. Is there ever a time when we don't have a serious need for God? No. Still, sometimes we feel like that need might not be too serious or pressing, that we can maybe handle things on our own for a little while. The trick for us is realizing that desperation is our constant state. There is only one way out of our problems, and it's Jesus. The only power that we have available to walk in comes from him, but he invites us to share it if we'll only admit we need it.

Maybe that's why God gives us sorrow and pain, to remind us that we need him and to give us access to his strength. God told Isaiah that he would give his people "the bread of adversity and the water of affliction" (Isaiah 30:20). Can it be true that these painful things are actually our food, the sustenance that we need to survive? It could be, if they drive us to God in godly sorrow. So, is it possible that by tuning out our pain and sorrow in all the various ways that we choose, we turn down God's great invitation to draw near and experience his power and salvation and life?

It's something to think about.

Resolutions

Well, normally I don't do this. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever done it before. This year, though, I'm making a New Year's resolution. Actually, I'm making two of them.

I guess I've always rebelled against the idea that just because the calendar changes makes this a better time than any other to try to change your life for the good. Resolutions seem so cliché. And really, if you're just saying things because it's the time of year to say them, there's no way those kinds of things are going to produce lasting change anyway. That's probably why so many New Years' resolutions fail miserably.

Well, that and the fact that so many of them involve sweeping, wholesale life change of the variety that really can only be accomplished bit by agonizing bit, not by idealistic proclamations. In that sense, the phenomenon of the New Year's resolution is very indicative of our culture as a whole. Showing resolve actually means bearing up under troubles and being firm and unyielding. But, it doesn't seem very empowering or encouraging to say, "I will fight this thing tooth and nail even when it seems like nothing is happening until finally and ever so gradually I start to see results." Instead, we like to decree instantaneous change: "Starting right now, I resolve to be different in this way." Also, very seldom do we ask God for his help at all. No wonder we can't ever keep these things!

Having said all that, though, I am still making two resolutions. I mean them, in light of my statements above, as things I hope to gradually improve on. They aren't especially life-transforming, but I hope that little by little, with God's help these can be things that yield blessing in my life. Here they are:

1. Drink more water.

2. Be on time for things.

That's it! Basically, I just noticed that I feel much better when well hydrated, and there's no reason short of laziness that I can't feel like that a lot more of the time. As far as being on time, I am pretty good about that when it involves something that I have a responsibility for, like a band practice or something. What I'm talking about is personal integrity stuff. I want to arrive when I say I will and be a man of my word in every area. Of course, I still value things that I can come to whenever, so those aren't really included. I really like flexibility! In general, though, I'm working to be more on time and ahead of the curve. So that's all for now... we'll see how it goes this year, and maybe next year I'll even try it again :)

The Law and the Spirit

One of the great things I'm finding about reading the Bible is that it helps me deal with the craziness inherent in life. What I'm saying is, if we really walked in the true implications of its teachings, I think our lives would make a lot more sense. For example, I read this verse the other day that blew me right out of the water. I mean, I knew it was in there, but I had never really thought about it before or what it would really mean if I lived like it was true.

Side note: isn't it easy when you're reading to take in words and yet no meaning whatsoever? We have to stop doing this with the Bible. When we're young, too many of us get trained to read the Word in whole chapters, like a textbook. I say read as small a chunk as necessary so that you really wrestle with the meaning of what you read. Only after you do that will reading whole chapters make any sense! Ok... that's the end of my tangent, but unfortunately it really broke up the flow of where I was going. Here's what you should do: go back to the top and read that first paragraph again, but this time skip this whole tangential paragraph and move on to the next one when you get done.

Anyway, here's the verse: "God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having cancelled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross" (Colossians 2:13-14). Do you hear how radical that is? The law, that written code we could never succeed in keeping and therefore opposed us, is cancelled! Ended. Voided. Xed (bonus points if you get that reference). Nullified. Removed. And I could keep going like a thesaurus, but I don't need to because just in case any of those words aren't strong enough for you, the verse says the law is also nailed to the cross of Christ!

It's not just this one verse either. Now that I've spent some time thinking about it and searching further, this idea of the cancelled law is found throughout the New Testament. The story certainly doesn't end there, though. Let me connect some more dots in this constellation before I try to make a point from it.

So, according to this crazy verse, the law is crucified on Jesus' cross. That got me thinking, what else died on that cross? Short answer: I did. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20). It kind of puts a damper on the joy that the law is dead to find out that I'm dead too. Thankfully, the story doesn't end there either.

I may be dead, but that verse does seem to give me some hope of life through Christ because Jesus didn't stay dead but rose again. The apostle Paul (who wrote all these books I'm quoting, by the way) agrees elsewhere in his writings: "Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him... The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus" (Romans 6:8,10-11). So what really died?

Sin in me died, so that Christ could take its place. The NIV really mistranslates this concept as the "sinful nature" dying, but a better term is "the flesh," the part of me that is not my spirit. So really, it's just a flesh wound! (I've had worse... No you haven't! Your arm's off! ...Ahem... many apologies to anyone who hasn't seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail). Anyway, this idea of the crucified flesh is what's important here. Paul says later on that "if you live according to the sinful nature [flesh], you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God" (Romans 8:13-14). The idea of us being dead, then, is so that we will be led by the Spirit.

The verse that brings this whole thing full circle is Galatians 5:18-- "If you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law"!! I know the actual verse ends with a period, but I couldn't resist adding some exclamation marks (notice how they're outside the quotation marks). I just can't believe how Paul makes this unbelievably radical statement so matter-of-factly. Of course the written code is cancelled! How could it not be? It's like he's saying we should already know this stuff!

And really, we should. Maybe we even do, but how many of us live like it? I think the church in general and most of us individually are pretty stuck on the law. We are very concerned with our outward appearances and doing the right things, but where is the concern for the spirit? Is there even a point to changing people's outward morality if the heart underneath remains unchanged, not under God's control?

I don't really know, and I'm not trying to suggest that sin is unimportant in light of the law being cancelled. People made that mistake in Paul's day, and they were badly missing his point. "What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey-- whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?" (Romans 6:15-16). The gravity and importance of sin is not just that some law says not to do it. It is serious because it enslaves us and eventually destroys us.

We are meant, though, to be slaves to righteousness. This is tough language, and I think this has a lot to do with why many Christians balk at the idea of the law being completely cancelled. We are faced with this unsettling dichotomy in Galatians 5:18. Either we are led by the Spirit, or we are under the law. There is no in-between space.

Here's where it gets tricky. Think about the difference between the law and the Spirit for a minute. The law is made of rules that apply to certain situations. If someone makes me mad, I shouldn't kill that person. Ok, got it. I'm extremely attracted to this person, but I didn't sleep with them. Check. Success, as far as the law goes. Apart from these few rules, I am free to do as I please. But being led by the Spirit is much different. He wants to lead us in ALL situations! Do whatever you do in the name of the Lord, remember? 100%. Being led by the Spirit means constantly seeking his direction and submitting to his leading in everything, even the things we would much rather control ourselves.

That, my friends, is hard. There's no getting around it. I'm terrible at it, and I assume you are too. I'm getting better I think (hope), but I still want to keep some areas of my life for myself. That's why we tend to go back to the law. We are not bound by it, but we bind ourselves to it because it seems easier. If we have a rule we can follow for difficult situations, we feel like we will be able to follow it and save ourselves. We want to earn salvation instead of just being saved. We feel like we will be able to keep the rules well enough to meet the standard. It's not true, of course, but it's what we believe. The rules seem easier than laying our lives completely at the feet of God, listening to his voice and letting him direct us in all situations.

Maybe we just misunderstand holiness. I was at my church's men's retreat recently, and we talked a lot about sexual purity. The speaker offered a lot of insight into how to live a pure life, but in my mind the single most important thing he said was that holiness is active, directional. It IS action! It's about what we do, not all the things we don't do. And how in the world do we expect to know what to do unless we let ourselves be led by the Spirit? The rules just don't provide enough guidance.

It's kind of like walking blindfold between two electrified wires. You could do your best to walk straight and wait until you get zapped to change course. That's life under the law, the wires being the rules and associated judgments. Or, you could let someone who knows how to see lead your every step, trusting that he knows the best path and won't let you stray into pain. That's what the Spirit does for us. "Now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life" (Romans 6:22).

It's directional. It's all-encompassing. It's eternal life. It seems a little crazy in our human understanding, but it's so good. That's God for you :)

Streetlights Playlist

Recently I've been asking the Lord kind of a strange question: "God, what do I like to do?"

I realize that might sound a little bit crazy, but the fact of the matter is that I've spent a lot of time worrying about what everyone else thinks and what they like me to do and be. So much, in fact, that I had actually lost sight of what I myself actually like to do. I know I talked a bit about this in a previous entry, but I've been trying to figure out what I actually care about as part of discovering my identity.

See, what I'm guessing is that the things I care really deeply about are things that God has placed in me for a reason, things he wants me to do something with. The part I'm still learning about is slicing through the fallen brokenness on top of all those things in order to find what's underneath.

Anyway, one of the things God has shown me that I really like to do and care about is music. That is a pretty broad category, but I still think that's the best way for me to put it. I love listening to almost all music, and I also like making music in any possible way. I have a song in my head constantly (although I unfortunately have no control over which one it is at any given moment), and I'm always humming, whistling, singing, playing or making a beat to something! So, I think God has given me this passion to glorify him.

The most obvious expression of that passion in action would be worship, which is a great way that I can use music for God's glory. I don't think worship is limited to my own singing or playing, though, which got me thinking about my music collection. I've noticed for awhile now that the idea of streetlights is a theme in the music I like to listen to, so I started looking through my library for any song that has to do with that. I found more than I was even expecting! Therefore, I'm pleased to announce and share with you my Streetlights playlist. All these songs either talk directly about streetlights (i.e. use that specific word) or otherwise remind me of Ephesians 5:8-14, my theme verse for this blog (and life in general really-- see first entry). Here it is:

1. Work: Jars of Clay
2. Sleeping In: Nevertheless
3. Illuminate: Project 86
4. Far & Gone: Day of Fire
5. Serial Sleepers: House of Heroes
6. Oh! Gravity: Switchfoot
7. Turn On the Lights: Sanctus Real
8. Shine With Me: P.O.D.
9. Sandbox Praise: Pax217
10. Burn For You: TobyMac (feat. Double Dutch)
11. Murexa: Falling Up
12. Shine: Newsboys
13. Sleeper: Everyday Sunday
14. I Need Love: Sixpence None the Richer
15. In the Light: dc Talk
16. Broken: Lifehouse
17. Light Up Ahead: Further Seems Forever
18. This Love: Stavesacre


I'm actually listening to this playlist as I write this, and it really encourages me, so I hope it can do the same for you. As it turns out, this playlist is almost exactly one 70 minute CD worth of fantastic music. If anyone is interested in hearing it, I would be glad to burn you a CD (which, by the way, is actually legal if it has no more than one song from any album. Record labels see it as free advertising rather than a copyright violation! And trust me, once you hear this music, you'll be interested in buying more of these artists' stuff). Also, I'm sure many of these songs can be viewed/listened to on Youtube, so check some of them out!

I'll finish with one more verse that has to do with the streetlight call. This verse seems to run through all the songs here as well, and it has inspired me for many years, since even before I thought about the idea of streetlights. Matthew 5:14-16-- "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

So it all comes back to worship in the end. Really, that right there is who I am, and who you are. Let that be my song.