Sports and Worship

Today I'm going to address two subjects. One has been a big part of my life for a long time, but interestingly not a very big part of this blog.  The other has been an even bigger part of my life but not for quite as long, and therefore has been a huge part of this blog since its beginning.  Now, had I come up with a more creative title for this post I could make a dramatic revelation of what these two mystery topics are at this point... but instead I'll just refer you to the top of the post.  They're even in the right order!  How convenient.

To begin with, I want to subdivide the sports category into two parts: being a sports fan (i.e. watching/following sports), and being an athlete (i.e. playing sports).  I'll take on the subject of fandom first.  I got thinking about this because I had the opportunity to go see an Indians game with a collection of very cool people yesterday.  It was a wonderful time (and the home team actually won, a rarity for games I've been to recently) and I feel very thankful to God to have been part of it.

I'm a worship leader at my church (don't worry, this is relevant to the previous paragraph, just hang on), and God has been challenging me to lead a life of worship, not just when I'm on stage or playing my guitar but all the time.  I was struck again at the baseball game how much seeing a live sporting event is like going to a worship service.  I mean, there's singing, clapping, listening, watching... even prayer sometimes.  All the elements are there-- the question in my mind is just: what is being worshiped?

I'm still not sure what I think about this.  I do know I used to be one of the biggest sports fans of anyone I know. It wouldn't be a stretch to say that I followed all the major sports religiously, and I'd go so far as to say that sports were an idol for me.  Even as God has been helping me put things back in the right order, though, I've been wondering what the proper place of sports is.  I think it's easy to use sports as an escape from the real struggles of the real world-- that's what I was doing before.  Part of me wants to say I should just throw it all the way out of my life if it could cause me to sin, but I don't think that kind of legalism is what relationship with God is all about.  Plus, even after God has broken my idol, I still really enjoy watching sports! So what do I make of that?

My current take on it is that I just need to stay in the real world.  I'm not sure I can explain what that means, but I know when I've left reality to live in a false world, whether of sports, video games, or whatever.  I also know that I didn't feel like that after the game yesterday.  I felt like the game was secondary to the fact that we were able to build community, at least for me.  I think it's a good sign that I had at least two conversations that were more interesting to me than the game.  In fact, the game can even help keep things from getting awkward or uncomfortable by removing the pressure to talk about something all the time.  If you pay attention, though, you can have meaningful and important conversations in and around the action in a totally natural way.  Baseball works especially well for this since there are significant stretches where literally nothing happens, but it applies to all sports I think.

See, even for people like me who are pretty serious and intense, it's impossible to have "important" conversation all the time.  I don't think human beings can support it... and I'm coming to realize it wouldn't even be healthy to do so!  We have to prove ourselves to our friends by being present and real in the little things before we have any credibility on the big things.  And sports, it turns out, are just about the easiest and most enjoyable common ground point I can think for making an initial connection with someone.  So if I can stay in the real world (that God rules) and not lose track of what's really important (living a life that honors Him and recognizes his presence), I can not only enjoy a fun game but also honor God by building relational equity and new friendships (and then by thanking him for all of it!).  If I lose track of reality, sports can swallow my life.  Simple as that.

I think the same thing applies to playing sports as well.  I've always loved running around like a crazy person chasing a ball or frisbee or really anything else sports-related-- never met a sport I didn't like.  It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have it, but there's this innocent joy in just testing what I can do and enjoying what I'm physically capable of.  I never really understood how that related to worship until recently.  I just read, though, about how all of creation worships God its maker.  Let me quote Psalm 19: 1-5--

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,
which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion, like a champion rejoicing to run his course."

How do the heavens have a voice?  How can the sun praise God?  These are inanimate objects we're talking about, remember.  I think they worship God because they do exactly what he designed them to do.  That's why all of creation worships God; we're the only part of it that sometimes chooses not to.  But God's design for us is multifaceted for sure.  Yes, we're designed to worship and praise and love, but God also gave me athletic ability and joy in using it.  Can't I worship him by using that gift with a joyful and thankful heart, following in his design?  If you thinking I'm reaching in making that analogy... well, David made the same one in verse five above!  No, not the bridegroom... that's a whole different kind of worship! I'm talking about the champion. Now, I'm not always a champion by any stretch of the imagination, but I know that feeling of rejoicing to run the course.  I praise God for it.

And that's how sports have become part of my relationship with God.  As we keep the focus on him, all his blessings come into proper focus for us.  The question isn't about making a rule of what's right or how much sports is ok, but about learning to walk with the Lord and submitting to his design, staying present in the reality where he reigns and where he deserves more praise than any sports team.  He loves us and has given us so much, but we can only appreciate the gifts fully when they point to the great giver.  Just like at the end of that same Psalm, what matters is this:

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer."

Integrity in Community

I've had a couple conversations recently that really got me thinking again about the issue of how we relate to each other within the body of Christ (i.e. the church). Long story short, I ended up expressing a lot of my thoughts about it in a poem, so I'll start with that:


Euphemistic Eucharist

Howya doin’? What’s up?
Pretty good, not too much,
life goes on, praise the Lord,
the usual and such--

By pretty good I mean
my family’s a mess--
we fight, except not here:
in this house we just bless.

I’m saying in not much
my schedule is insane:
it’s filled with noise and stress
it hardly can contain--

Life just keeps on going,
and so I don’t have time
to let you see beneath
charade and pantomime.

To praise the Lord I smile
and just sing happy songs;
pain stays behind the mask
where it, of course, belongs--

The usual just means
I’d tell you I’m depressed
were I allowed to break
facades so nicely dressed

And such and such and on--
a thousand pointless things
I’d rather say than tell
you anything that stings.

Safe. But are we happy?
We smile; are we alive?
The one place where it seems
reality should thrive,

instead we hide away;
we put our pride above
our pain--how can we throw
our masks aside and love?

Because we need help and we need
to be saved and all of us are
pretty much the same kinds
of messed up so why not just be real?

Can you see here what I’m driving toward?
Maybe then we could really praise the Lord.


So, I realize that my poem is a bit caustic.  I'm just trying to honestly address a real issue, though, and the fact that it keeps on coming up among people I talk to lets me know I'm not the only one who feels it.  The issue, as you can probably guess from the poem, is that church (not just mine, or anyone else's specifically, but church in general-- the conversations I mentioned at the beginning were with people from three different ones) has a tendency to become a place of fakeness where people don't feel like they can come with their real problems, instead of what it should be: the place where they could safely be honest and receive healing.

3 questions come to my mind:  why does this happen, why is it so bad, and what can we do about it?

Let's break my OCD tendencies toward order and symmetry and start right in the middle with the second question.  I don't want to belabor the point that the phenomenon I'm talking about is bad news, but I want to start with what I see as the basic reasons why it is so harmful.

The first is that everyone has problems, and problems don't just go away.  Of course, drawing near to God is helpful in dealing with them.  God can supernaturally solve them whenever he wants to.  The problem comes when churches start teaching (or just believing, consciously or subconsciously), that this supernatural encounter with the healing Lord is only a one-on-one deal.  Now, I know that God has healed me at times without any help from anyone else--he's just that good.  However, the general model that he has laid out for us is something totally different.

"And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." (James 5:15-16).  This is God's model for healing.  We get other believers involved, and they pray for us so that we will be healed.  Catch that?  James is letting us know that if we won't share our brokenness, both spiritual and physical, we won't access all the healing that we could because it comes through receiving prayer from each other!  So that's one reason why it's a crisis that we don't feel like we can be real in church-- where else will we find the righteous men who can pray powerful and effective prayers for our healing?


Another reason is that everyone has problems, and everyone knows this is true.  Even (or especially?) people who aren't Christians yet.  We might feel like being real with the stuff of our lives will scare unbelievers away, but I propose that the fakeness we choose instead is infinitely more frightening.  Everyone knows that people have problems.  Everyone knows that they themselves have problems!  So if you walk into a group of people where no one seems to have any, what do you think?  You think, I'll never fit in with these people.  So another reason this fear of dealing with real issues in church is a problem is because it is actually driving away the broken people who desperately need to receive healing by being prayed for (and who God wants to make into the powerful and effective prayers who will then help restore others!).

Finally, and potentially most seriously, being fake in church will hinder our worship.  We might think we can sneak in and deal with our problems alone with God and have ourselves fixed by the time we have to talk to anyone.  The problem there is that God is looking for worshipers who worship him in spirit and in truth (John 4:23).  If we won't be real with God and with our family, we can't worship him in the way he desires.  This is serious stuff, and if you don't think so just read in Exodus and Leviticus about people who tried to worship God in unauthorized ways.  If we want his healing presence to be with us, we have to be willing to worship in the spiritual integrity God is seeking.  Otherwise, our thanksgiving (Greek: Eucharist) will amount to little more than empty words we use to avoid saying what we really mean.

So, why does it happen that we feel like all we can be at church is just fine and peachy-keen, etc.?

I think it probably comes down to fear, mostly.  Just because we all have problems and we know it doesn't mean we necessarily feel comfortable sharing them with people!  If our fear of being judged for the things that are still messed up about us trumps our desire to be healed from those things, we won't share, plain and simple.  If we have a history of being judged, that makes things worse of course, as does seeing other people be judged in places (like church) where they should be welcomed instead.  Put all those things together, and fear wins out a lot of times.

Also, I think there's a misunderstanding in the church of what the Bible really teaches about joy.  When it says to be joyful in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:16), is that the same as being happy all the time?  If the joy of the Lord is our strength (Nehemiah 8:10), and a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22), are we weak Christians who don't have the Holy Spirit if we go through struggles and trials?

All of the answers are no, in case you're wondering.  No one is "too blessed to be stressed" either (although some might be in too much denial not to smile).  Joy is not the same thing as happiness, and godly joy is just as compatible with sorrow as with happiness.  Jesus himself wept (John 11:35), but he was given the oil of joy more than all his companions (Psalm 45:7).  He also got so stressed that he sweated blood (Luke 22:44).  So godly joy must be something different than unceasing happiness.  What if, instead, it's the ongoing security of knowing that eventually everything will work out for your good because it's all in the control of the all-powerful God who loves you?  Then you can feel the pain of loss and brokenness without losing hope, and when you are happy you can be happy for the right reasons.  That's the joy that will bring you strength.

One further note on why the problem of disingenuousness happens at church:  it kind of gets to be a vicious cycle.  No one wants to be the first person to do anything, so if no one is talking about any real stuff, it's that much harder for anyone to break the trend.

Which segues nicely into the last question: what can we do about this thing?

First, let me say that I'm no expert on this.  I'm actually more of an expert on being fake, to be quite honest.  All I know is that I deeply desire to be real, and I'm starting to learn what that means.  So how can we be the ones to step out and start being real in the one place in all the world where the truth should win out?  How can streetlights shine into darkness that has clouded the home of light?

The main thing I can see is that we have to start wanting more of God so desperately that we don't care about our own images.  We have to care more about what he thinks of us than what anyone else does.  This is what it means for him to be our Lord.  His opinion is the final word, and what he says goes, no matter what it makes us look like.  If we start believing that, maybe we can be the ones to step out and take the first risk.  We can't make anyone else be real, but we can show them they won't die if they try it!

Also, we have to confess and repent of our judgmental spirits.  This will allow us to bless other people who are real enough to be honest about their problems instead of comparing our own struggles to theirs to see how we stack up.  All judgment is comparison, and all comparison is irrelevant because God's love is infinite.  What if ours started looking more like his?

We also have to stop getting the truth backwards.  It's not that God is so good that his followers shouldn't have any problems; He's so good because welcomes us in spite of them!  He fixes them too, but for whatever reason he hasn't chosen to do it instantaneously in most cases.  We have to let him be who he is in this instead of making him into a false image of what we want him to be.

I'm sure there is much more to be said on this topic-- does anyone else have any ideas to share on how we can help?  I'll end with one I just thought of, which is actually the most important one: prayer.  I want to start asking God to change the problems I see instead of just worrying about them.  I want to talk less and pray more.

So-- God, change what you want to change.  Make us more like you.  Make your body whole.  Let us walk in integrity, bravery, and community.  Give us real relationships with real people, and let us worship you in Spirit and in truth.  Amen.

'Twas the Night after Christmas...

...and I finally felt like writing a blog again. It turns out that trying to be a writer for a living has left me somewhat less than eager to sit down and type out big entries on my blog. I think there's only so much structured thought (and staring at a screen) that my mind can handle.  With that in mind, this entry (and perhaps more and more of those to come) will be very unstructured and random.  The nice thing about having a blog with very few readers is that you can do things like that with no real ramifications. This blog has certainly gone through several different phases of more/less structure, and it will continue to be whatever I want and need it to be going forward.  Right now that means making it more personal and less conceptual, although I have no idea how that correlates to how beneficial it is for anyone else.  It might make me more likely to write more often, but I don't know if quantity is even as important as quality.  All I know is, if you want to read it, I'd love to have you do so! I do continue (even late at night) to hold myself to some standards of writing, so I will at least promise that-- I won't get completely lazy :)

It's funny to me how even the best things in life can become so formulaic that we do them without thinking.  I know I've talked about this before, but I seriously tend to do this with just about everything. Blogging is a prime example.  I like to share my poetry and thoughts, but sometimes I have such a rigid idea of what a blog post of mine can be that I don't write anything for a long time just because what that formula prescribes doesn't sound good to me!  That, in a word, is silly.  I want to do it less.  Random posts help me break out of it.

An interesting issue that brings up in my mind is that randomness can also become a formula.  This is a huge deal in the discussion of modern poetry, which I've been reading a lot of and a lot about recently.  Basically, poets around the turn of the 20th century got so tired of all the poetry "rules" about rhyme, meter, etc. that they just discarded them and tried to start all over without rules.  The thing is, they rejected the rules so rigidly that modern poetry quickly became just as stereotypical as what it tried to rebel against, only with fewer readers.

Now, I don't think poetry has to have rhyme or meter to be poetry.  Free verse can be wonderful if the words are chosen with the same diligence innately required by adherence to rhyme and meter.  It turns out, though, that it's also easy to use the whole "I don't follow the formula" thing as a cop-out for producing work with less effort and attention to quality.  As I look back at some of my poetry, I see that I too have done this.  I have traveled to the Wasteland and seen that many Waldo's have gone that way before, and continued on my journey.

Speaking of poetry, I have a B.A. in English with a concentration in poetry... and somehow I'm still woefully ignorant of good poetry throughout history.  I realized this with an unpleasant shock the other day, and I have a desire to fix it.  I own the Longman anthology of English poetry, so I just started at the beginning.  It's been a lot of fun, and I'm in the 18th century now.  I wonder why I didn't care about my education while I was actually doing it?

Speaking of that, I also unpleasantly realized that I haven't really cared about much of anything for a lot of my life.  I've been afraid, I guess.  I just want to stop living life like that.  I want to do things I really care about, and I want to really care about the things I'm doing.  Those are two subtly different things, in my mind, but I don't feel like explaining why.  Maybe you feel the same way and you'll just get it.

The more I begin to fear the Lord, the less I fear everything else.  This is what I think it means to be wholehearted.  Fear divides you, unless you fear the One whose great desire is to put you back together.  I don't want to live life in fragments, and I think God can make that happen.

I'm ready to care.

You know, I think you can only relax when you really care.  If you won't work hard on anything, you can't relax because there's nothing to relax from!  I know that when I've gone through times of just coasting, I couldn't even enjoy my downtime because it was all downtime.  I constantly had the feeling that I should be doing something else (which was true).  Entertainment, relaxation, procrastination-- they just won't get you where you're going.  Take it from someone who knows.  (By the way, that reminds me of a cool song called "Let the Drummer Kick" by Citizen Cope.  Someone on Youtube made a really cool animation that goes with it.)  To belatedly finish the thought I was just working on: if you work when you need to, all the fun things you get to do become amazing blessings rather than desperate attempts to escape your gnawing conscience.  It's wonderful.

Speaking of music and wonderful, music is wonderful.  Almost everything I was given for Christmas has to do with music (or else food, but that's a different topic).  I think that should tell me something about music.  I care about it!  It's part of what God's called me to, and I want to be better at it and appreciate it more.

Speaking of absolutely nothing in particular, I had one of the greatest text message conversations of my life the other day.  I had been at my parents before going to a party, and afterwards my mom texted me asking how it was.  I told her it was pretty good and pretty much what I was expecting, and I asked her how her day was.  She told me four things she did that day and said that I wasn't being very descriptive.  That's when it hit me: men and women don't understand each other.

If you ask a guy how his day was, you will get an evaluation.  It will probably be short. If you ask a woman how her day was, you will get a description.  It may be quite long.

Obviously, neither side understands the question they're asking, so both end up vaguely dissatisfied with the answers they get.  I think I can solve the problem, though-- we just need to stop asking questions.  Next, I'll be tackling world hunger.  Believe it or not, I also do some of my best and most organized thinking late at night like this.  But tonight is a holiday.

Two last things, and then off to try to live for the rest of the year like Jesus really did come to live with us and die for us... and also to try not to forget the giver for the gifts.

1. Today at church we played O Holy Night, and it was a powerful moment of worship.  Less than 3 minutes later, we were playing Jingle Bell Rock... and there was nothing weird about that.  We praised God with all we had, and then we laughed and danced like crazy people.  Or put another way, we cared about something deeply and invested our hearts in it, and then we were able to have joy in the ridiculous and simple.  Before today, I wouldn't have thought that Jingle Bell Rock could be a worship song.  I think it was this morning.  I can't even believe I'm saying that.  But what if we honored God in that moment just as much as in the rest of the service?

2. Penguins are pretty much the most comical creatures alive.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Moving

As I mentioned last time, this is a season of many new things for me as I move out of my parents' house for the first (and hopefully only) time.  Well, it really did (after some unforeseen delays) happen, and the dust is just now beginning to settle a bit.  There are countless things that could be said about this whole process and all it entails, so I really can't let it go by without blogging about it at least once.  Besides, it's really the main thing that's been happening in my life and my heart recently, so I can't imagine writing about anything else right now anyway.  What follows is a sampling of my thoughts from the past few weeks.  If it seems a bit random or chaotic, then it mirrors exactly the process of moving in general, at least to me.

This may seem self-evident, but one of the biggest things about moving is all the movement it causes.  It sometimes seems like everything is constantly in motion.  I think this is one of the best reasons to do it every so often, especially for people like me.  Sometimes I can just get very stationary in life, not doing much or making much progress in any direction.  Moving does not allow for that option.  I feel like I've learned so many things and in so doing gotten out of my own little world and into the real world at large to a much greater extent.  It's a wonderful, beautiful place to explore-- it makes me feel small, and that's a good thing.  It breaks the illusion that I am a big deal in a small world that I orchestrate to orbit myself.  Instead, I'm just a little man in a huge world that revolves around God's never-failing plan.  And that, my friends, is a comforting thought.

Another big thing that moves when you move is emotion.  It's a good thing that God started helping me learn to deal with my emotions before I started this process, because I had no idea that I could feel so many wildly different things in such a short space of time.  I have felt overwhelmed, exhilarated, afraid, happy, sad, peaceful, lonely, joyful, confident and any number of other things that I don't know how to name, sometimes all at once or in rapid-fire succession, sometimes at longer stretches.  I say stretches because that what it's doing to me in a big way-- it forces me to go to God, feel what I'm feeling, and bring it to him for help.  The only other option would be implosion, I think.  Another good reason for moving: anything that brings our constant desperate need for God into such sharp focus has to be a good thing.  He always comes through when he has to, and being closer to him is the end goal of life anyway...

Moving has really highlighted the value of relationships for me as well.  The people I care about mean more to me than ever now that I have my own house to welcome them into.  That being said, if I just stay in my house and retreat into myself, those relationships will suffer-- they need investment and time.  I mean, it helps if you have a wonderful, like-minded brother to move in with you, but even (or especially?) that kind of relationship is not self-sustaining.  It needs care and time to achieve the constant growth necessary for health... but it's worth it.  I would argue that relationship (i.e. friendship, love, community and real connection) is one of the biggest things worth striving for in all the world.  If you count relationship with God, then it definitely IS the most important.

And of course, moving teaches many more mundane or practical lessons as well.  For example, it is a better idea to wait for your roommate to help you move large furniture up two flights of stairs than to do it yourself because you just want to be finished with the task.  Similarly, it is a good idea to bring a quarter to Aldi when you go there and get a cart, rather than trying to hold your whole trip in one big box that was lying around.  On a related note, Marc's doesn't take Visa cards (or any other kind except Discover, it turns out).  What?!?! Who knew?  And who knew how expensive most of the things I really like to eat are?  And who knew that garbage disposal and recycling require a six-page manual?   Paying bills, repairing locks, cooking food... man, I'm starting to feel like a freaking adult.

And it's all exactly where I'm supposed to be.

10 reasons I don't have a Facebook

I am becoming more and more aware that I am part of a distinct minority among people of my generation. That's right, I'm a Facebook resister.

As the members of said resistance grow fewer and fewer, though, people seem increasingly quick to mistake my refusal to make myself a Facebook page for a generalized hostility toward the Facebook phenomenon itself (or towards its members). However, I intend no such hostility. In fact, I even have a link here on my blog that lets people share it on Facebook! Many of my friends are devoted Facebookers, and I don't even taunt them (too much) for it!

So just to set the record straight, I thought I would take a brief moment of my day to explain the real reasons why I do not now maintain, nor do I ever expect in the future to possess, a Facebook. Note that this is not necessarily an exhaustive list, but it should cover most of the important issues as I see them. I also don't claim any of this as fact, just my own opinion. If you think I'm wrong, let me know! I'd be really happy if all this did was spur thought and discussion on the issue. So, I'll count down the top ten reasons I don't have Facebook, from least important to most important. Here we go:


10. My mom has a Facebook. Mom, if you're reading this, I love you and I mean no offense by it. It's just that your membership is a.) the reason I know so much about Facebook without actually having one, and b.) a great example of a larger trend I'm getting at. Namely, I feel that Facebook has become something my generation never intended it to be. Originally, it was just a cool way to keep in touch and share pictures (which are, by the way, the only things I'd use Facebook for if I had one and are undeniably useful and beneficial) among college students and other young adults. Then high-schoolers started joining. Then parents came to check on them. All of a sudden, they were also commenting on pictures and writing cheesy status messages. Before anyone could say "1950's," it seemed like the whole baby boomer generation had Facebook. End result: Facebook just isn't as cool anymore, and has much less of a draw for me.

9. Little kids have Facebook. Like, really little. This is kind of a corollary to #10, and it's disturbing for all of the same reasons, with the added twist that a lot of things happen on Facebook that really are not appropriate for little kids to be hearing and thinking about. Now, I don't think I'd have anything to hide, but I have some friends with significantly different standards of morality than my own and I'd hate to have to shelter kids that might look at my page from them. I love hanging out with little kids, but they certainly aren't my friends in the same way. Why do they have to grow up so fast?

8. I have no real desire for up-to-the-minute status updates on my friends. In fact, this whole thing kind of freaks me out. Except for my very closest friends (who I talk to plenty without Facebook's intervention), I'm not even interested in what people are doing or feeling moment by moment. Even for my close friends, there are still many things I don't need to know. That might sound horribly mercenary, but if you really think about it, I imagine the same is true for you. Sure, taking in a lot of banal information about what people are doing might make you feel like you care about them, but in essence it's just voyeurism.

7. I have even less desire to give constant status updates on myself. If you know me well at all, you probably realize that I usually play things pretty close to the vest and often prefer to keep my opinions and plans to myself. Now, this has been a problem for me in some ways, since I haven't always let people in to what the real me is like. I'm working on it. The thing is, Facebook is a really bad solution to that problem, because trivial status updates are in no way the same thing as being truly real with people. I suppose status updates could be used for good purposes (for example, my pastor has Facebook, and some of his that I've seen are challenging and personal), but this is certainly the exception rather than the rule and I doubt I'd be any better. In any case, I'd rather apply my efforts to real life, or to this blog. I like talking about big issues and hard topics, and I don't hear very much about that happening on Facebook, whereas my blog already provides me with a great space for this kind of thought. Also, I feel like most anything really true or profound on Facebook is just quickly drowned in the sea of immaturity. That's why I chose to keep my blog separate in the first place.

6. I can get all the real benefits of Facebook without having one. For example, because all my friends have one, if any of them post anything truly remarkable or abnormally hilarious, one of the others is sure to tell me about it. Alternatively, because my mom is Facebook friends with most of my actual friends, she also keeps me updated and lets me use her account to look at their pictures sometimes. That wouldn't even be necessary though, since Facebook members are still able to email me the link to their albums, which I can then look at if their privacy settings aren't on some very restricted level. Also, I can use email to get in touch with all my friends at once if I so desire. This works because Facebook users often like checking their email to see how many "notifications" they have. It makes them feel important. And finally, if I feel the need to express myself or have a personal profile page, this blog can serve that purpose quite ably. So in psychological terms, I guess you couldn't say I have a "felt need" for Facebook.

5. Farmville. This one should really be pretty self-explanatory, but I can't resist moving past it without saying this: Farmville is a pestilence in the land. Whoever unleashed this monstrosity should be tied down and forced to listen to its theme music until he repents and erases it from the world of Facebook. It shouldn't take that long; the whole "song" is basically a 4-measure loop of horribly twangy sounds that could pretty much reduce anyone to insanity in a matter of hours. (Can you tell that a certain unnamed but aforementioned family member of mine enjoys this game?) On a more serious note, this particular app is also pretty exemplary of the general trend of immensely time-wasting applications on Facebook. This just seems to me to be the most obviously pointless example, but actually the combined force of all these apps produces a powerful life-consuming time vortex in a lot of people's lives (see my post on video games for more on this). I feel like Facebook would prove to be an unnecessary temptation for me in this regard.

4. People accept Facebook without thought. One of the most disturbing things about Facebook to me is that no one seems to question anymore that this is what social interaction in the 21st century should be like. It bothers me that no one is really thinking about what Facebook really is and whether or not they want one. Most people who sign up for it are just blindly following the trend because they crave friendship and interaction, and being heavily marketed to and media-saturated all the while. I'm not abstaining from Facebook just to be somehow cool by breaking the trend and not doing what everyone else is doing. I've thought about what it is and decided that I don't want it. I've been recognizing lately my need for real friendship, and I don't think I can meet that need on Facebook. Now, I doubt anyone else would say they could either, but they might be unaware of how the shallow interactions they constantly engage in are muffling their true desire for deep relationship, truly knowing and being known. Just something to think about.

3. I'm scared I'd get addicted to it. I realize, of course, that it is quite possible to have a Facebook and not be addicted to it. However, I've heard far too many stories of people who hate how much time they've spent on it and wish they had never started. I've also heard many more stories about people who don't even realize how addicted they are to it and how much power it has in their life, which is even scarier. In any case, I feel like I have much better things to do with my time. That's why for me personally, Facebook is scary because I tend to be a little bit obsessive about having things perfect and organized and also about collecting things. I don't feel like I could ever be satisfied with Facebook if I hadn't collected every single person I know as a "friend." I'd want all my settings and profile perfectly in order, and I'd probably want to be the best at all the games too. Again, video games and I have a storied history that I never want to go back to. So all in all, I feel like I could end up wasting enormous amounts of time and really forgetting about letting God make all my decisions (which is my goal), and I don't even want to open the door for that to happen.

2. It's too late. I've been a Facebook resister and a fairly vocal critic of it for so long now that I can never get one. I don't think I'd ever be able to live it down, and I'd feel really stupid for saying all those things and then getting one anyway. I think it's safe to say I've passed the point of no return on this one. I'm in this for the long haul :)

1. I don't want "Facebook friends." Honestly, this is my biggest beef with Facebook. I really feel like it promotes shallowness and superficiality as the solution to the much deeper problems of our generation. We don't need status updates, we don't need to know what Disney character we are most like, and we don't need to express our true personality through our "pieces of flair" (although some of them are legitimately hilarious, and joking around online is great fun). What we need is real friendship with real people. How else are we expecting to "spur one another on towards love and good deeds" (Hebrews 10:24) or help heal our broken city? To do those things, we're going to have to get face-to-face and side-by-side and be much realer with each other than computer screens allow. (And yes, bloggers need to watch out for superficiality too :) I'm trying my best to practice what I preach and use my blog mainly as a tool for sparking real-life discussion and interaction with my friends.)

Now, obviously we can't have deep, hugely significant relationships with all the people we cross paths with. Even Jesus had different circles of friends: the multitudes followed him, but he placed special importance on the 72 he sent out, and the 12 disciples were his inner circle. Even within that, Peter, James and John were his three really close friends. So, Facebook or not, I think that's the example we should try to emulate. You know what? It's ok to have shallower, "Facebook friend" relationships. We just need to know where our real friends are, and we need to be real and really present (physically and emotionally) in their lives, even though that's hard. You know what else? It's also ok to have less friends. I just feel like the effort to fill the "friends list" causes too many people to have a set of "friendships" a mile wide and an inch deep. That will never satisfy a generation, a city, a nation looking for real love. We need real brothers and sisters and parents, real friends. "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24). Can we learn to be that friend?

Inside Out

I'll start today's entry with a poem. It's the most recent one I've written, not old stuff like what I've posted so far. In fact, no one has ever read this poem before whichever one of you gets here first! It's the first one of its kind, a streetlights premiere. Here it is:

Inside Out


isolation underneath impressive
unknown against accomplishment

doing always more being less
hiding in the center of circles

victories full of sound alone
another world in control

politeness over perversion
impeccable outside filthy

confusion masquerading completion
pride intertwining pain

admiration in place
of love impossible
because artificial
because unknown

Don’t let me miss you.




So, this is a highly personal poem, but I share it because I think that it doesn't apply only to me. There are some lessons in it that I'd love to spare anyone else the pain of having to learn the way I did. I guess it's specifically about my ongoing journey of figuring out who I am and learning to actually be that person. I'll give a little bit of my own backstory as well as some insight into my strange poetic method in order to hopefully explain this little poem.

In terms of poetic style, this one is really kind of a personal anomaly. As most of you already know, I'm a big fan of complete sentences and good grammar, sometimes to the point of being a bit anal about it. So here we have this poem that completely resists both punctuation and normal syntax until its very last line. Guess which line of the poem I wrote first and which one is the most important to understanding the whole poem...

I made all those unusual (for me) stylistic choices for a reason though. The best way I can describe what I'm going for in this poem requires a visual aid. Unfortunately, this is the internet, so you'll have to make your own since I can't really show you. Don't worry though, it's very simple and I'll walk you through it. Ok, so to see what this poem is like, you need a sock. Any kind of sock, it doesn't matter, but it does need to be one you aren't currently wearing. I'll wait while you go get one.

...


Ready? Alright, hold the sock in front of you, so you can look straight down into the hole. That top circle of the sock is like the last line of my poem. So, grab the sock by that with one hand, and with the other push the rest of the sock up from underneath so it ends up inside out (get it?) and upside down. Notice, that hole is still in the same place, but now you can see a lot more of what used to be inside it. It's also much less pretty than the outside of the sock, and more disorderly. All that crazy fuzzy stuff you can now see, along with any accompanying dirt, sand, toenail fragments, etc., represents the rest of my poem. Wasn't that fun?

Anyway, the idea I'm going for is that in a good poem, each line that actually appears (e.g. Don't let me miss you) should have all kinds of stored up meaning underneath the surface. This poem takes that one particular cry of my heart and turns it inside out so you can see the mesh and mess that it actually consists of. I've written other poems sort of like this before, now that I think about it, with endings that encourage reinterpretation of the whole rest of the poem in their light. Maybe I can start a new genre! "Sock poems"...

On the more serious side, though, I think the underlying issue of this poem is one that everyone can identify with. All of us want so badly to be loved, and we will really do just about anything to make that happen. The problem is, who we are is not what we do. I've spent (read: wasted) so much time in my life trying to conform my image to what I thought people wanted me to be. I specifically remember in middle school looking at the "cool kids" who picked on me and my friends and analyzing what made them cool. "Oh, so cool kids wear this and act like this... I can do that!" And you know what the scary and really sad thing is? To a pretty great extent, I did.

Now, I had determined beforehand that I would use the coolness I would obtain to be nice to people those other kids would be mean to. I did end up being able to do that in some ways, but I also became in other ways just as judgmental as those people I hated. I knew all along that I was worth more than they were giving me credit for, but unfortunately I solved that problem by trying to attain what was valuable in their eyes, not by realizing their standard was twisted. So while I did eventually largely escape their judgment, I did so by buying into their bankrupt standards of coolness.

To make a long story very short, the result of my quest to remake my image was, on the surface, successful. People started to think I was cool, girls started to pay attention to me, and I was loving it. I used my sense of humor to make myself the center of attention and used my accomplishments and skills in an attempt to force people to respect me. Below the surface, though, something very different was going on. I was in the process of actively forgetting who I was.

I started getting more and more stressed out, and that led into deeper problems like depression. See, constantly managing what everyone is thinking about you is a heck of a lot of work, and it was burning me out while I was unaware. I was thinking about every single action and decision based on what it would do to the image I was portraying to everyone. In the process, I was losing touch with what I actually wanted. I became all the ugly things in my poem while looking like I was all their exact opposites. Worst of all, I wanted love, but all I got was admiration. But how could anyone have actually loved me? They didn't know who I really was! Many admired my fake front or thought it was cool and had things together, but who was underneath? I was largely unaware myself, so how could they know?

Thankfully, God still knew what was underneath. He let me get to the desperate end of my remaking of myself in my own image, and then he came at that front with a sledgehammer. He used people that knew me before my front and some that he just supernaturally told about my issues to challenge me about who I really was. I felt like huge chunks of me were falling off as what was inside was painfully brought out. He showed me through a series of very painful circumstances how broken I was (am) and gave me no other choice but to admit it.

Then the strangest things started to happen. I had thought that God (and everyone else) would reject me if they saw the brokenness I was hiding. But as I became more honest about who I was and began to take off my many masks, I felt God's love more and more. And, people started being able to actually care for me, and for some reason, they wanted to do so! There's really no other word for it but grace.

Here's the thing: if God created us, then it stands to reason that only he knows what we are really made for. Only the maker would. So I think the only way we can ever hope to love anyone else or be loved ourselves is to know God. If we know him, he can tell us who we actually are and give us strength to walk in it. This enables us to love others and be truly loved for who we are in return. It's change from the inside out.

For me, I tried to change my outside to find love, and all it brought was destruction inside. Don't waste your time with that! Jesus wants to move on the inside and let the change flow out in "streams of living water" (John 7:38). Recently a friend of mine reminded me of the prayer of St. Francis. This prayer talks about that kind of inside out change and reminds me a great deal of the streetlights' call, so I'll finish with it (slightly amended with a prayer of my own that should be quite obvious):


Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

God, O God, don't let me miss you.

Amen.

Audience

"Know your audience." It's one of the first things all aspiring writers are taught, but sometimes a rather tricky thing to do. When it comes to blogging, for example, how can you really know who you're talking to exactly? I assume that most (if not all) of the people reading this right now are my friends in real life, but I have no way of knowing which ones. And honestly, that makes it a little difficult to know what kind of tone to take as I talk about serious things that I really care about. I don't relate to all people the same way (although maybe I should).

So, I don't really know my audience for sure. I guess that just means I have to focus on posting things that can be beneficial to whoever might read them. I realize that not everything here will be a blessing to everyone, but that's ok with me. As I think about it, this blog really has several different purposes, each of which have to do with different potential audiences.

For example, sometimes when I write here it feels like I'm just shooting words out into the clear blue sky, never to be seen or heard from again. There is, in fact, the very real possibility that no one will read some of the things I post. Even if that were true, though, I'd still write here. One huge purpose of this blog, I'm finding, is that it helps me clarify my thoughts on some of the issues that will define my life-- things like how much I'll let God have control of my life, or how Cleveland can be changed. As I write, I'm forced to think about what is important enough to include, and it helps me realize key things that I often haven't even begun to think about when I start an entry. I'm also forming an archive of my thoughts that I can look back on and learn from later (it's my most successful attempt at journaling so far). I'm becoming a better writer too, since writing (like most other things) is something you can only really get better at by doing it. I wouldn't trade all those things for all the readers in the world.

Hypothetical scenarios aside, I do know that I have at least a few readers. For my friends and family, this blog is becoming a way that I can share my story with you. In the past, I realize I've been pretty bad at doing that, for which I hope all of you can forgive me. I hope also that what I write here can provide opportunities for face-to-face conversations about the things that really matter. Just as a disclaimer, when I write about what God is doing in my life here, please don't assume that I have this stuff figured out. I love to discuss and chop it up both one-on-one and in groups to gain the wisdom and perspective of the people I trust. In fact, as God is showing me more of who I actually am, I realize how much I've depended on my family, both natural and spiritual, all along. So if you're interested for whatever reason in sharing my journey, please come with me.

For anyone I don't know yet who (I hope) is reading this, I hope it blesses you. Whether or not you share my religious convictions that shape and influence this whole process, I hope you see authenticity and integrity in what I write. I don't have all the answers, but I can't imagine not looking for them. If you're looking, consider me your fellow searcher. I hope my words are encouraging, even if sometimes challenging. They challenge me. I'm sure you feel the darkness of life into which I do my best to bring a small light, and I hope you'll accept my invitation to do the same.

And for everyone, if you read this and like it, take time to say hi! Leave a comment after a post you like (or don't like). Challenge my thoughts and ideas (but feel free to agree with me as well)! Or, if you don't want to leave your thoughts in public for anyone to see, I love getting email too. Chances are you got this link from an email from me (it's in the signature line of every one I send), but if not, you can always get my address from my profile.

If you really like the blog, follow it! There are buttons that say "follow" in the very top navbar and in the right sidebar near the bottom. Or if you prefer to keep tabs on things using feeds, there's a link to subscribe to this site at the bottom of the page and in the sidebar as well. Either of those methods will make it so you don't have to guess when I've posted a new entry, which is a fairly impossible guessing game to play.

Just for those of you who like the guessing game though, I have added some features to the blog that you can look at even when I don't update it. The "poem of the day," as mentioned previously, randomly posts a great poem from the Library of Congress each day. I've also added a "word of the day" because I really like words, as I'm sure you all know by now. Increasing your vocabulary is fun! Yeah, I'm definitely an English major. Anyway, even more exciting, down at the bottom of the posts section (because it was too wide for the sidebar), there is now also a Calvin & Hobbes comic strip of the day! As you may or may not know, C&H is without question the finest comic strip ever to have existed, a topic on which I'm sure I'll write more later. If I were you, I'd come to my blog every day just for that.

Finally, to end my spiel of shameless self-advertisement, I now have in place a gadget in the right sidebar (and a button in the top bar) that will let you share my blog on your facebook or twitter. I don't have a facebook or twitter account and I'm not really a fan of either (another topic for a future post), but I'm not above using those resources to increase my blog traffic :) If you think what I'm writing would be interesting or important enough to share with your friends on your profile, please do. I think this stuff is important, or at least amusing, or I wouldn't be writing it. Any help you offer would be greatly appreciated.

So, that's it for now, my first effort towards both knowing and expanding my audience. By the way, this is post #10 on this blog, which makes it legit, not just a passing fancy (according to the highly scientific standard I just developed ten seconds ago). I feel like I've done all the cosmetic changes and content tweaks that I'll need for awhile, and I plan to keep writing here for a long time to come. Thanks for reading!