Another New Beginning

About three and a half years ago, I started this blog as part of my journey into what I called "the real world." Little did I know how long it would take me to get there.

As I look back on the early posts here, I can't help feeling like it was a different person who wrote them.  I guess really it was.  I can hardly believe all that God has led me through in this past season, and the changes in my life have been both internal and external.  My soul and my situation are both so different now.

Not to say there weren't some really good things going on at the time I started all this, but as I look back I see a kid with some big talk and not much substance to back it up with.  In this season, God is calling me into manhood.  Into hard work.  Into courage.  (Things about which college graduate me had so very much to learn!)

God has also been providing me with new opportunities to share my thoughts.  It's become apparent to me that if I don't have any place to express what God is teaching me, I don't know what to do with myself.  That's part of why I started this, really.  I had all these ideas and no forum in which to teach them, and I was pretty much boiling over.  Now I lead a small group and a worship team, and God has finally given me chances to teach in church again after a long break.  I couldn't ask for more opportunity!

Another thing about the time when I started writing on here was just that: the time.  I had all kinds of it.  Much more than I knew what to do with, in fact, and I wasn't really using it well to be honest.  Sadly, those blog posts are one of the only truly productive things I was doing in a large part of that season.  Now I have a full-time job in addition to all the teaching opportunities I was just talking about.  I certainly don't need to try to find ways to pass the time!

Of course, much more could be written about how I'm in a different place now than I was then.  However, another thing God has been teaching me to leave behind is my compulsive desire to say everything I think needs to be said all at once.  With that in mind, here are just two of many things I think are important moving forward from here.

First, God owns everything.  There's already an appalling number of I's in this post and this blog, and there will be a few more before I get done here.  But he owns everything, and the more I realize that, the more I enjoy life.  He just isn't that concerned about my agenda.  I hold on to my freedom and time in self-employment, and he tells me to get a job.  I pray about a girl, and he tells me... to get a job.  Seriously, he knows what to do, and my time and effort belong to him, not me.  If I'll let him use those things as he sees fit, I believe with everything I am that I'll experience the blessing I've tried (and failed) so long to produce on my own.  Not that it's some magic formula-- it's just that where the Spirit of the Lord is there's freedom.  That's the ultimate blessing.

That brings me to my other point.  I've noticed that my life goes better when it's lived with a healthy dose of just not caring so much.  Now, I don't mean to say that life and doing the right thing aren't important.  What I mean is that a great deal of what I've cared about has been misplaced.  I've cared so much about my own safety and what other people think of me, and that has never produced anything but death.  I just don't have the energy to keep caring about that stuff, and I become the person I really am more and more as I let it go.  I end up accidentally walking into the freedom I thought I could find myself but couldn't!  I have life less figured out than I ever thought, and I can only hope that blessing continues.  Figuring everything else out is someone else's job anyway, and guess what? He's already finished it.

These days, I care more than ever what God thinks about me and less about what everyone else does.  The nice thing about that is that what he thinks doesn't change like people's opinions do.  I don't have to manage it.  Nor can I: no matter what I do, God is only looking at me with love and planning me a future filled with hope.  100% love, all the time-- Even when that means he has to discipline me to get something stupid to stop.  It never changes his opinion on me: beloved son, covered by the blood of the beloved Son.

So, that real world thing I was talking about?  I didn't mean getting a grown-up job (although I did do that).  I mean seeing that this is my Father's world, and no matter what happens I have him.  His question to me in this season is the same as to the disciples in the sinking boat in the storm: why are you so afraid?  And as I realize that he will always be there, I start to fear less.  With him there, it will always be ok... and even if it isn't, I still get to go be with him in heaven at the end.

Still, eternal life starts now.  That life is the light of the world, the streetlights' call.  What is eternal life?  That I may know the only true God and Jesus who he sent. I can do that now.  I can let his light shine through me more and more-- another new beginning, every day, every moment, every prayer.

Want to try it?  Want to see what happens?  Well, you won't read about it here.

Come live it with me.

Mushrooms, but No Shortcuts

I recently took some time off from all my responsibilities and went on a road trip by myself, something I highly recommend doing if you can find the means to do so. (A hint: it's a lot easier if you quit your job.)  It's just good to get out and remember that this is a huge world that God is holding together, and it's also great to catch up with old friends (and relatives)!  More than all that, though, I went looking for some direction and set aside some serious time to seek God for that purpose on the trip.  I didn't keep this a secret, so since I got back a lot of people have been asking what God showed me.

It sure wasn't what I was expecting.

In fact, it wasn't direction in the sense I was asking for at all.  The best way I can actually think of to explain it is just with this story that happened on day 2 of the trip.

I was at my grandparents' house for this early stage of the voyage.  They live on like 120 acres of wonderful land in the middle of not much (central Illinois).  Part of my trip's mission was to take long walks in their woods and talk to God out in his creation.  As I told them that, and almost before the words had finished leaving my mouth, my grandma said "maybe you'll find some mushrooms!"

See, I didn't know this, but my trip directly coincided with the beginning of wild mushroom season in Illinois.  Something else I didn't know was that this is a *big deal* around these parts (perhaps due to the lack of too much else going on).  I mean, I've never seen people get so excited about fungus before!  More on that later.  Anyway, it was clear that on any walk I took in my time there, I was going to be equipped with a "sack" (which is what people in Illinois call plastic bags) for the purpose of retrieving any mushrooms I happened to find.

I wasn't really thinking too much about the mushrooms at first.  I stuffed the sack into the pocket of my jacket and started off down the hill toward the creek behind my grandparents' house with my eyes only occasionally straying downward to check for the ugly, wrinkly morel mushrooms that were supposed to be there for the picking.  They don't really look like anything you'd want to eat, actually.  Anyhow, I walked for a long time, stopping occasionally to rest and pray and bring the things on my heart before God.

I kind of thought, I guess, that there would be a lot of these mushrooms around.  I was looking forward to making my grandma's day since she was clearly pretty excited about my search.  After two and a half hours or so of my walk, though, I still hadn't found a single one of the elusive fungi.  My prayers actually started to shift from my requests for general life direction into requests to be directed toward mushrooms.  I hadn't really felt like I was hearing God answer my other prayers anyway, so I was starting to get a little bit frustrated.

I don't know why he was waiting for this, but almost as soon as I started praying about the mushrooms, God started to speak.  What I felt him say, though, was not what I was expecting or even wanting: "why don't you forget about the mushrooms and just walk with me in my woods?"

So I did.  It's funny: I always ask God for answers when he really likes to give me questions.  And the really amazing thing is that they always end up being the answers too.  Anyway, my walk suddenly got much better.  The sun came smiling through the trees after hours of overcast, and either a great variety of birds started suddenly singing... or I just started to notice them.  I felt God just show me his love.  Finally, I got pretty tired and hungry and sat down to rest beside the creek a little before turning back toward the house.

I turned around, put my hand down to get up... and there it was.  Yup, a mushroom.  A big, ugly wrinkled one.  I picked it and thought I would at least have something to show for my time... but that wasn't it.  I looked around a little more, and I kept finding more and more!  In one little area about the size of my apartment, I found so many that I almost filled the sack.  I was unreasonably happy for someone carrying a bag of fungus.  I started to understand maybe why the locals were so into this... maybe.

After the initial euphoria wore off, though, I realized that the mushrooms were just the next part of what God was trying to tell me.  I was so concerned about my own life and my own stuff, when God just wanted me to spend time with him.  What a crazy shortcut to attempt, getting God's direction without taking time to invest in relationship with him.  But I do that all the time.  The mushrooms were just a symbol of that, and really--he had been leading me towards them the whole time.  The blessing was only revealed in fellowship with him, though.

Now, I don't think it's wrong to ask God for specific direction, just that it wasn't God's plan for my trip.  David asked for very specific guidance, as did many others, and God answered them.  You don't really read about Jesus asking the Father for directions, though.  The model he gave is in John 5:19: "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does."  Jesus just lived life as close to his father as possible, and then he could easily see what the Father was doing and join him in it.  He didn't ask, he just walked in fellowship with his eyes open... and he saw.

That's what I think God wants me to do for the direction I need for my future: draw close to him and keep my eyes open.  It just takes the trust that he really is leading me all the while to things I can't currently see.  Otherwise, the request for direction is just about me, not about him... and he doesn't do shortcuts like that.

By the way, everyone at my grandparents' church was very impressed with my mushroom find... apparently I passed some obscure Midwestern initiation rite without even knowing it!  I wasn't just a city kid anymore, now I was a mushroom hunter and better, a finder.  Only God could come up with something like that.  Oh, and my grandma was so excited as she fried up the mushrooms and made me eat most of them in honor of the find.  I guess mushrooms can be significant after all... and they were delicious :)

A Winter Poem in Spring

I'm looking out a window right now at that beautiful kind of wet snow that sticks to only the tops of tree branches and makes the whole world look like if you bit it, you'd taste ice cream.  Earlier, I took a walk in the beginnings of it, but it was still a pleasant surprise when I looked out later to see that it had covered everything.  I know it's almost April, and even my winter-loving self has to admit that it is now, by all official standards, spring.  I just think it's kind of funny that just because of that arbitrary division of months, some people act like this snow is an affront to the dignity of the world.

That got me thinking, too, about how we don't really get to decide when a lot of different things happen in life.  We can strive and try and even ask God for things, but they happen exactly when he wants them to happen, regardless of our plans or categories.  Just like it snows in April (and sometimes May too) in Cleveland. 

Then, I started thinking about the challenge of staying in the present.  I wrote last time about how the desire to have everything right now gets in our way.  However, that doesn't change the fact that right now is really the only moment we have to work with.  I think our problem comes when we spend now focusing on later or already.  When we do that, we effectively take ourselves out of the present.  What's more, we make it very difficult for people to connect to us because we are somewhere (or somewhen) else.

God is never like that, though.  As we try to become more like him, it's important to remember that he is definitionally the God who IS.  It's his name.  I AM.  Although he is not bound by time and experiences all the moments of it equally, he has dedicated his presence to being with us.  God with us, Immanuel, is really just a synonym for I AM in my mind.  If you look at how Jesus lived when he was here, he embodied this divine characteristic fully.  He was able to devote his full attention to wherever and whenever he was, and whoever he was with.  He knew so well how to be present.

Now, I don't think it's wrong for all you colder-blooded people to wish for warmer weather.  I just made the connection mentally that staying emotionally and spiritually present in our lives can be like trying to appreciate a snowstorm in spring.  If we can look past the potential inconvenience and the fact that the whole thing isn't what we were expecting (or hoping for in many cases), there is great beauty to be seen and enjoyed.  Although the seasons of our lives may not last as long or may last longer than we expect or want, God never fails to give us beauty out of our ashes (see Isaiah 61:3).  Instead of getting stuck on the beauty of the future (or past), why not stay in the present and enjoy what's there?

That's what I'm trying to do.  In fact, I've been trying to do it for awhile now, and this whole winter stream of consciousness reminded me of a poem I wrote a long time ago.  For some reason or other, snow has always been something that gets me thinking about these deeper things, I guess.  I'll end with this:

Comparison


faintly perceptible
falling in silence

uncounted stacking
of discrete moments

gentle brilliance
smiling, smoldering cold

overpowering flash
that marks restive roads

empty blanket plush
insulating clarity in the dark

silken momentum
across great distance

quiet everything covering
shining outer shells

restoring final stream
that gives growth future

indirect ocean
wave of frozen clean

and how could we be anywhere
but home?

What and When

I am in a season right now where I am more aware than ever of my need for God's guidance.  I have a lot of decisions to make and things to think about, more than it seems I ever have.  Maybe becoming a man just brings that stuff with it, and maybe I should have been feeling like this a year or two ago while I was determinedly avoiding decisions and (to be honest) real life.  Whatever the case, anything that reminds you of your dependence on God can't be too bad of a thing; it's just that the uncertainty can be unpleasant.

I don't feel afraid about it all, though... not really.  This past year has been a year of immense change and I know God has guided me through it all.  As I approach another birthday, I feel like the coming year is going to be much the same in that respect.  The hard thing about change, though, is that while you can sometimes see it coming, it's pretty much impossible to tell what it's going to be.

Really, I think that's where we get in trouble a lot in life: trying to decide what changes will come to our lives before they happen.  Even worse, sometimes we try to tell God what changes he should be making and when they should be happening.  I know I had a whole plan for my life when I was 18-- according to that plan, by this present time in my life I was supposed to be a full-time pastor happily married to the woman of my dreams and thinking about when and how many kids to have.  Thankfully, God knew I wasn't even close to ready for any of that.

Funny thing is, a lot of that horribly mistaken adolescent vision was based on things that I really do feel like God wants me to do.  My heart is to minister to people, to be married someday, and to be a good father.  I feel like these desires come from God and even honor him.  What God has been showing me recently, though, is that just because he has spoken something, doesn't mean it has to happen right NOW.

I've seen a lot of people bring themselves pain like this-- God gives them a vision for something, and then they get ahead of the plan and wear themselves out trying to make it happen, only to end up questioning God when the plan fails.  My question is, whose plan was it?  We (I include myself here) have an alarming tendency to grab the plans out of God's hands and make them our own.  God should fulfill this vision this way, and (usually) right NOW.

The Bible paints a very different picture of how God fulfills his plans, even once he has revealed them to us.  The lives of Joseph, Paul, Abraham, David, and many others reveal that God doesn't always do things right NOW.  After God revealed some of his plans to those honored individuals, they ended up being imprisoned for years, preaching on the backside of nowhere, wandering about in foreign lands, or being chased by the very king they had been anointed to replace, for example.  And Jesus, who clearly knew that God was his father at age 12 (see Luke 2:49), had eighteen more years to wait before he began his ministry!

But who would have followed a 12 year-old rabbi?

It just wouldn't work.  My point, I guess, is that any attempt at carrying out God's plans before their time is just as ludicrous.

As for those people I mentioned, all they kept on doing was the next right thing.  Joseph never lost faith in prison and served with distinction no matter where he found himself.  Paul just kept on preaching the truth. Abraham was even willing to sacrifice the son of the promise if it meant following God's commands.  Maybe part of David being a man after God's heart was the way he knew that God had anointed him king in Saul's place but continued to serve him and refused to kill him even when he had the chance (twice!).  He was waiting for God to do what he said he would, and he refused to take it into his own hands.

As for Jesus, he just continued to grow.  That's pretty incredible, considering he was God in the flesh.

Now, none of that is to say that we should just passively wait for things to happen.  All those men walked in great purpose and initiative when the time was right.  It's just to say that finding out what God wants to do is worthless if we won't wait on his timing to make it happen.  We also have to keep growing in the meantime.

So that's where I find myself.  I know God wants to do some things.  I'm just trying to find out what they are and, just as importantly, when they are.  The constant battle of life is to let God's plan be the one I follow.  This plan is not just destination, but timing and method as well.  God's revelation, no matter what it is, awaits its appointed time to be fulfilled (see Habakkuk 2:3), because God fulfills it--not us.  Jesus knew that it was his Father who was the one doing the moving.  I want to know what the Father is doing, and then (and only then) join in doing that thing myself.  That's how God's will is done. 

And if we'd all do that... that's how his kingdom will come on earth as it is in heaven.

How To Be a Good Customer in Three Easy Steps

Today, as I'm sure no one in the world knows, is my six-month anniversary of being hired as a server.  In fact, I'm not even sure why I know that myself.  It sounds like I'm in some sort of weird relationship... 

Anyway, the experience has been and continues to be a very interesting one, and it certainly has given me a lot of new perspective on how I approach interactions with people who are serving me.  Based on my experiences so far, I am ready to offer three basic rules for how to be a good customer.  These apply specifically to a restaurant setting, but I'm sure they can easily be applied to any customer service situation.  By following these three easy rules (and their corollaries), you can ensure that you are well-liked and appreciated by any customer service professional you encounter.

Rule #1: Remember that your server is a person.

--Corollary 1: The proper response to "How are you today?" is not "Coffee."  When a person asks you that question (even if, horror of horrors, you haven't yet had coffee today), the standard social practice is to exchange pleasantries and then go from there.  I mean, if this is a restaurant, do you really think I'm not going to get around to asking what you want to drink?  Hey, even if you don't want to further validate my personhood by asking how I am doing in return, at least answer the question before moving on (and believe me, the extra five seconds or so you feel like this politeness might delay your precious coffee are nothing compared to how said coffee will plummet down your server's list of priorities if you aren't polite).

--Corollary 2: Servers, like all normal humans, can only be in one place at a time.  Therefore, they also engage in the standard human practice of prioritizing the activities they need to perform.  Chances are, they also have four other tables that require attention.  Therefore, you will have to wait for things sometimes.  Don't blame your server; blame physics.  Helpful comments like "I'm still waiting for such and such random request I made to be fulfilled" do not cause the laws of physics to be suspended even temporarily.

--Corollary 3: Your server cannot read your mind.  Therefore, if you would like something to happen, you're going to have to ask.  Your incredulous stare and wrinkled up nose and high pitched cry of "You put this all on the same bill??" will not somehow go back in time and inform me that you wanted the check to be split if you didn't say anything about it.  Nor will I be able to somehow know that "they always make this dish for me some other random way that isn't in the menu" before I bring it to you the normal way... unless you say something. There are 25 other servers that work here, and I've never seen you before, and even if I have, it still isn't my job to commit your favorite idiosyncratic order to memory.  Also, servers have no other form of extrasensory perception either-- if your food is cold, I'm sorry, but I had no way of knowing that because I didn't touch or taste it on the way out to you.  The plate was warm, and the cooks are the ones responsible.  In summary, servers do not deserve blame for failure to possess superpowers.

--Corollary 4: Servers, like other citizens of free countries, make decisions on their own free will.  So feel free to try commanding me like I'm your slave, but just remember that I have the freedom to delay, demean, or disregard your request.  I do so at the risk of my tip, but I'll let you in on a secret: I already know that the demanding people are NOT the ones who end up tipping well in the end anyway.  It's a value judgment.  I don't have time to be running back and forth on your every whim when I know you aren't going to be a good tipper.  Meanwhile, my nice tables that I can make bank on would just be sitting there waiting, and that just isn't going to happen.  Requests work just as well, if not better, than commands.

**Personal pet peeve related to this topic: "Please and thank you."  As in, "do this crazy thing I want, please and thank you."  This clever ruse perpetrated by rude people takes two normally polite phrases and combines them into one impolite one, making what seems like a request into a command about which the recipient has no choice.  Adding the thank you makes unquestioning obedience a foregone conclusion.  But what if I don't do it?  Will you want to take your thank you back?  Also, if I do follow your bidding, you probably won't say thank you again thinking that the first compound one covered it, which is also rude.  General rule: Please = polite.  Thank you = polite.  Please and thank you = annoying.


Rule #2: Remember that you are a person (i.e. not God).

--Corollary 1: The customer is not always right.  Sometimes, they are wrong and we're just letting them think they're right.  Even if they were always right, this would not be an excuse for being demeaning or overly demanding of their servers, who are people exactly like them and don't deserve the rudeness.

--Corollary 2: The whole restaurant does not revolve around you.  Darn physics, it gotcha again.  Basically, if your server has five tables, they each have just as much right to his or her time as you do, and it would be helpful if you understood this.  Making your server run around like a crazy person is not only rude to him or her, but also to everyone else he or she is serving (and those people, by the way, are noticing how rude you're being).

--Corollary 3: Order off the freaking menu.  You are not so special that not one of these 70 choices is good enough for you (And if you are, why are you at this plain old little restaurant?).  Hey, if you don't eat pork and you want turkey bacon instead of regular, ok.  You're a vegetarian and you want extra hash browns instead of meat, I can deal with that.  But there is absolutely no need to start picking ingredients from other dishes and haphazardly combining them into your own creation.  Go to BD's for that.  Do you have any idea how the cooks look at me when I send back your order? They hate you, and they hate me for trying to accommodate you.  We have a menu, and those are the choices.  If you don't want any of them, there are plenty of other restaurants.


Rule #3: Tip well.

Honestly, you can do whatever you want with the other rules if you follow this one.  I don't care how demanding and incomprehensible you were, if you leave 25% or more, you can sit with me anytime.  Conversely, you can follow all the other rules and still be remembered as a worthless cheapskate if you don't follow this one.  Remember, this is a server's livelihood, the proverbial bottom line.  This is how to make an impact in the life of a server.


So that's it!  Follow those three easy steps, and you will be the toast of the customer service industry in no time.  Thanks for reading, and good luck!

(By the way, I realize that some of my suggestions might sound slightly angry... and I'm ok with that.  Truth be told, some of these things are frustrating, and writing about them is helpful in processing that.  Just know that, all in all, I actually enjoy being a server and that most people aren't like the ones I'm using as my "hypothetical" examples, nor am I suggesting that anyone who reads this blog is like that.  I assume that my readers are the very models of decorum and courtesy, and it's written using the collective "you" just for effect.  Just don't let me catch you being one of those people, please and thank you :)

p.s. Am I right? Wasn't that annoying?

p.p.s. Did you like how I closed the parenthesis with a smiley, though?  That's an online grammar innovation that I am, as far as I know, the pioneer of.  It has nothing to do with customer service, but smiling at people who are serving you is helpful too... ok, I'm done now.

Seasons

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven"

--Ecclesiastes 3:1


My recent season, as you may have noticed, has not been the season for blogging.  It would be easy to say that the reason for my lack of writing and posting is just that I have a lot of other things on my plate at the moment, but I don't think that's really the whole truth.  I was getting frustrated the other day about all the things I have to do, but truth be told I have all the time I need.  Really, I haven't been writing because I haven't felt like I had much of anything to say.

I'm coming to realize that the ongoing battle of adulthood is not just about making it through all your responsibilities to clear out some free time for fun or for pursuing the Lord.  It's about keeping your heart alive, right in the midst of all the stuff of your life, so that you have something to hold onto when the responsibilities are finally finished.

I don't know if you've ever felt like this, but for me it's easy to get lost in the practical.  There are specific things (e.g. my job) that I know God has called me to do, so I tend to focus on just accomplishing those things.  What I mean about keeping your heart alive, though, is that no practical thing you focus on is going to be able to hold up your life by itself.  There has to be something transcendent at the foundation.  I think I was missing God himself in the pursuit of all the things I thought he wanted me to do.

That's how you end up feeling like you don't have anything to say.  And in a sense, maybe it should be considered progress that I've finally realized I should just be quiet if I don't have anything to say (see verse 7 of the same chapter).  I know I've often just talked right on through those times, saying very little in many words, which benefits no one.  Just the absence of speaking by itself, though, is not enough.

I want to be silent before the Lord until he gives me something to speak.

Then, I'll have something worth saying.  The trick is, he's still calling me to do those things that I've let get in the way of seeking him out.  I think what he wants is for me to find him in those things, to pursue the love and joy that he has for me in my job, my friendships, my calling, etc.   I know that I can just practically manage those situations and find that I have nothing to speak in them.  Or, I can try to find the holy moments in the midst of the mundane.

I think doing that will also lead to increased desire to pursue God himself in the quiet (as well as the love he brings me through my friends) when I do have time.  It's like the opposite of a vicious cycle... an upward spiral?  I think that's what St. Anselm was getting at when he prayed this prayer that is also my prayer in this season:

"Lord, let me find you in loving you and love you in finding you."

Amen.

Growing Up

For those of you keeping score at home, this is the 23rd post on my blog! It's interesting that it worked out like that, because this is also my first post as a 23 year old. Hah, I almost wrote "the first post of my 23rd year," but that obviously wouldn't be true because this is the beginning of my 24th... but yeah.

Anyway, I've been feeling for quite some time like this particular year was going to be a big year of change and growth for me. It all has to do with the process of growing up. I realize, of course, that there's no getting around the fact that being 23 years old makes you an adult by any reasonable standard. It's just that I didn't really feel like one.

See, in way too many areas and situations, I've still been waiting for life to come to me. When you're a kid, that's pretty much how things go. Life happens to you, and you roll with it and have as much fun as you can while still fulfilling the demands being placed on you by authority figures so you don't get in trouble. In America, we've managed to extend this phase even further than just grade school or even high school. College is pretty much the same deal; it's like a four-year (or more) extension of childhood and freedom from the dreaded real world. Then you get spit out at the end of it, and (especially if you graduate with a liberal arts degree) you're no closer to knowing how to handle the real world than you were before.

At least that's what happened to me. Anyway, the end result for me was essentially a vague and nameless uneasiness about my life and future. Kind of like, wow, I'm a college graduate, but who am I and what am I doing? And because that's such an open-ended question that has no easy answers, the path of least resistance becomes doing nothing.

Unfortunately, that pretty much creates a vicious cycle: you have anxiety, you ignore it and don't make progress, which makes you more anxious. It sucks. The question, both for me and for others who find themselves in this situation, is whether the crushing weight of expectation and fear will drive you to God or away from him.

For quite awhile, I resisted what God was trying to do through my anxiety. Eventually though, the desperation it created led me to his feet. The funny thing was, he actually wanted to heal me, not make me do a bunch of stuff I felt powerless to do. He wanted to teach me the fear of God and help me get rid of my fear of men, and he also made much more of his love real to me.

I can only be a man because I am his child.

As that truth has been steadily sinking into me, a lot of things have been happening. I'm becoming more truly myself than I have ever been. I care much less about what people think of me. Plus, God has been providing for me greatly, both spiritually and physically. He's giving me strength and vision again, not to mention a job (or two jobs, actually). I'm learning how to be much more purposeful with my time too. I regret the time I've wasted, but I believe God is redeeming the years the locust has eaten (Joel 2:25). He's leading me into a brand new season. At 23, I finally feel like I'm growing up.

Qualifications

Recently, the process of trying to find a job has gotten me thinking about what qualifications I actually have as I've attempted to list them in my resumé. I've realized that there are some real, concrete things about me that qualify me to do certain jobs and not others. When it comes to doing God's work, though, I often feel so unqualified. I can't really understand why it is that God would want to have me even attempt to serve him, given my great propensity for messing things up. Too often, the person doing ministry one minute is off ignoring God's voice in some sinful pattern the next and then thinking "surely if the people in charge/people that I minister to knew how I really am, they wouldn't let me serve them... surely there's someone more qualified." If I can't even hold my own life together, how am I supposed to make an impact on my city? my church? my family?

I guess you could call that kind of feeling desperation.

Here's what I mean: in order for my life to avoid crumbling into chaos, despair and failure, I am constantly in need of God's miraculous intervention. He has to hold it together, not me, because I can't. That may sound like kind of a downer, but the funny thing about it, I'm coming to see, is that this is exactly how God wants us to feel. I think he's constantly leading us to a place of desperation for him, whether we like it or not. And just so you know I'm not making this up, check out the book of 2 Corinthians: the whole thing is about this! Paul is trying to give us this doctrine of desperation throughout this whole letter. Some highlights:

1:8-9--"We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."

I find it very comforting that the greatest missionary in history despaired of life at some points along the way. Even he needed to learn not to rely on himself. Now, I'm not saying that the hardships of my life are comparable to Paul's, but this is still so cool: God uses our hardships to free us from the burden we put on ourselves of having to make everything work out all the time. That's his job, and he can handle it. He does, after all, raise the dead.

3:4-6--"Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant."

Simply put, God qualifies us to do his work. Not anything about us or our quantifiable job skills or gifts. God is not about resumés. The only reason we get to do his ministry is because he says so. This also frees us from having to worry what people think about it. God said it, so we do it, whether we feel qualified for it or not. Another point about that: we have no business questioning God's call on us. We might not understand why he has chosen us, but it's really none of our business. We don't earn it. I can't say that enough times.

4:7--"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

A crucial point: being desperate for God relieves us of any glory that might come as we follow him. What we do is only a result of his power, and we are just broken, dirty vessels. It's a good thing we don't have to carry the glory, because we can't handle it. It goes straight to our heads and we forget our place all too easily. Our overwhelming imperfections, though, make it obvious that God is the only one who accomplishes anything. As Isaiah said, "all that we have accomplished you have done for us" (Isaiah 26:12).

12:9--"But he [God] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"

These words of God to Paul really sum up the whole thing: God uses our brokenness to highlight his power. Therefore, we actually get stronger by making ourselves weaker and relying on God's power. As Paul is forced to conclude, "when I am weak, then I am strong." (12:10).

The challenge, then, is learning to rest in the knowledge that we aren't perfect and never will be in this life. We can choose to be depressed about this, or we can choose to minimize ourselves and rely on God to give us good and perfect gifts and to be strong through us. This strength is the kind we need to change a broken city, not whatever pitiful power we can muster up on our own. He qualifies us to do it, and who can argue with God? I don't know why he would choose me out of the many options, I just know he did. I'll finish with a poem I wrote about that and about learning to rest at God's feet despite everything else, being weak but relying on his strength. So enjoy, and also check out the "poem of the day" from the Library of Congress newly added over on the right--I told you more poetry was coming! I also know it's risky putting my poems in such close proximity to those of the masters: please don't compare the two, just enjoy each one for what it's worth. Here's mine:



One Among Many


Under a tolling fog,
in the speckled mist,
answer the question soaking you
gently as you are unaware
who is calling—

Dampening wind
reaching around umbrellas, under hoods
slanted in momentary hesitation
pointing in one direction,
soon forsaking stillness—

Listen through the footsteps,
over the engines; wait
alone in the reverberation
of small voices fading
for the one who asks—

Hear what you can,
see only what you cannot,
and there on the hill
inside the fog
rest.

Constellations

The Bible is quite a big book. I've spent a lot of time studying it, but the funny thing about it is that there's always more to learn. It's almost like there's actually too much in there for our brains to actually keep hold of at once! This is really one of the amazing things about being a follower of Jesus, but I think that it can also lead to a problem that too many Christians fall into: compartmentalization. We study or hear a teaching about one specific topic or verse, and we can remember and hold onto that one for awhile. The next week, we get some other individual answer and we hold onto that. The week after that, a different one, and so on. Now, this seems like it would work out, the constant accumulation and stacking of knowledge in theory giving us an ever larger database of wisdom to consult as we face the issues of our lives.

Unfortunately, what I'm finding to be true for my life is that my capacity for successfully remembering and retaining the lessons I learn this way is much smaller than I would hope for. If I had to make a highly scientific and educated guess, I would say that my capacity level is approximately 3. That is, I can keep track of about three life lessons at a time. More than that, and some of them start getting pushed back into the dark recesses of my brain. This is not to say that they are forgotten, just that they're not at the forefront, not at the top of my mind bursting to be lived out.

Here's the thing, though: the problem I mentioned earlier is not a problem with me and my limited capacity. God knows I'm frail and he hasn't called me to more than he's given (or giving) me grace to do. The problem is with this weird system that we accidentally fall into as Christians where we compartmentalize our life lessons and try to apply them separately (and, all too often, one at a time). We study the Bible this way too, focusing on one verse or concept at the expense of the rest. It's kind of like going outside in Cleveland at night. We live our lives in such a polluted space with so many other things filling our vision that we can only see one or two stars at a time. They seem disconnected, individual points of light lost in swirling darkness.

Can you see where I'm headed with this analogy? The individual stars certainly aren't bad things. But, God has much more for us than just a couple stars here and there. He wants to give us the whole heaven, really. And he wants our lives to be more than just fragments and splintered efforts at holding onto a few lessons we've learned. Psalm 86:11 has to be our constant prayer: "Teach me Your way, O Lord; I will walk in Your truth; Unite my heart to fear Your name."

A united heart. Not some collection of insights, feelings, lessons, and whatever else we accumulate along the way, but one integrated whole, moving in one direction, only toward God.

God wants to give us this wholeness. I think that's why he made his book the way he did. 66 different books, one purpose. It's really incredible how the Bible is an integrated whole given its construction, but it is, and the more I read it, the more God connects the dots of the individual stars into the overarching master plan. I'm not claiming to see the whole sky or anything, mind you, but every now and then I think I at least see some constellations. So, from time to time I might use this space to diagram some of them and play some "connect the scriptures." In that spirit, here's what I would have to call the big dipper:

God has told us what we need to do to live an integrated life, to have a united heart. Remember how I was saying that we live with so much going on that we can only focus on one or two things at a time? Turns out I didn't come up with that idea, Jesus did. He told Martha in Luke 10:41-42, "You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed." Funny, she was just like us. She was so worried about doing the right things for Jesus and getting her house in order that she totally missed the point. What was the one thing that was needed? What Mary was doing, sitting at Jesus' feet.

So, Biblical transitive property: A) Martha was a normal person like us. B) For her, God said only one thing was needed. Therefore C) For us also, only one thing is needed. We MUST sit at Jesus' feet. That's it. (By the way, some people might object to this by saying that nothing will ever get done if we all live this way. That, however, is ridiculous because if we spend all our time that close to God, when he moves we'll have to move as well. If he's doing something we'll have to do it too, just in order to stay close. And Jesus definitely didn't spend all his time sitting around. He also liked healing the sick, throwing tables, making the wise look foolish and hanging out with little kids, to name just a few. I think the real issue people have with living at his feet is that they don't really like the things he wants us to do.)

Parenthetical tangents aside then, all we need to do is sit at Jesus' feet. This is what Jude was talking about when he said to "Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life" (verse 21). It sounds so simple: keep yourselves in God's love. Live there. Soak in it. You don't have to earn it; it's a given, so just accept it. So why in the wonderful world of Disney do we have so much trouble doing this?

Short answer: because we have orphan hearts (see the previous entry for more on that). Two problems go into this. First, we all mess up sometimes (ok, a lot of times) and do things that aren't really worthy of love. Second, we all have been in situations where people in authority over us responded to our mistakes with anger and wrath instead of (or more stickily, mixed with) loving discipline. The end result that keeps us away from God is fear. Somehere inside we seem to be afraid that God is just gearing up to zap us for the wrong that we have so obviously committed. But, God is perfect by definition, so his love for us is perfect, and "Perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment" (1 John 4:18). The key word here is "because." It means that perfect love has to get rid of fear, because of fear's connection with punishment. By implication, there is no punishment in love.

To summarize, if we rest in God's love, we have no need of fear because there is no possibility of punishment. I know that this is dicey ground to walk, so hear me out. The important thing is the difference between punishment and discipline. Punishment is associated with the anger and wrath we have all felt from those above us that leaves us wounded. The truth is, though, that once we accept Jesus' sacrifice for us and his love, God has no more wrath for us, ever. The entire punishment for all our sins, past, present and future, has already been borne by Jesus on the cross. "He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed" (Isaiah 53:5). There is no leftover punishment that God reserves to pound us with as we mess up, since it is already used up.

Do sins still have negative consequences? Of course, but they do NOT change God's heart towards us in any way. He allows us to experience the troubles related to our mistakes "because the Lord disciplines those he loves" (Proverbs 3:12). He loves us enough to help us stop doing the things that are hurting us. This is love, not wrath; discipline, not punishment. Discipline is not punitive; it makes us disciples. See the linguistic connection? So, God uses our mistakes to draw us closer, not to push us away. We're the ones that push away from him because we think we aren't worthy of his unaccountable love.

But we are. Not through our own goodness or effort though, so don't get the wrong idea. The coolest thing of all is that, similarly to how Christ bore our sins and the punishment connected with them, he also has become "The LORD our righteousness" (Jeremiah 33:16). This was what Paul was talking about in Philippians 3:9 when he said that his one desire was to "be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."

Righteousness comes only from God. But, if we believe, he gives us credit for Jesus' righteousness, so we don't have to feel unworthy. That lets us, like Paul, be "found in him." Sounds an awful lot like sitting at his feet, no? I think that connects the last dot of this particular constellation. That's how we live with a united heart. The Bible is amazing.

So, now you know why it was so long between my updates. This entry has been stirring in me for quite awhile, and I just didn't feel like writing anything else in between. I plan to update a bit more frequently in the future, but I wanted to get this one out, because really everything else I say should be taken in light of this quest for a united heart and life. It's the redefinition I was talking about before. Just one thing to hold onto, and it's so simple. Whatever my situation, I will sit at Jesus' feet.






P.S. The whole time I was writing this, the other tab of my browser was on http://www.blueletterbible.org/ which is probably the best website on the internet. Yeah, you heard me, the whole internet. Any possible way you could really want to study or search the Bible is on there. Check it out! Oh, and on a slightly relevant note to that, all the Bible quotations in this post (and actually in this blog as a whole) are from the NIV unless I say otherwise because that's what I'm most familiar with and it's easily accessible. The only one in this post that isn't is Psalm 86:11 which is NKJV, which I used because occasionally the NIV doesn't accurately convey the force or meaning or just coolness that a scripture should have, and this verse is a prime example of that. If you compare them on Blue letter, you'll see why. OK, that's really the end now. Until next time...