Summer thoughts

In my last entry, I mentioned that I haven't been writing much partially because I often feel like I don't have anything to say.  After thinking about it some more, I think the next part of the story is that I don't feel like I have anything to say because I put too much pressure on myself to come up with something profound and world-changing.  I mean, I'd love to be full of amazing insights and witty commentary on the world, and some days maybe I am.  What I'm coming to think is really valuable, though, is just a willingness to be real.

The people I enjoy being with the most are the ones that I know are being genuine with me.  I've been on a journey of learning how to be more real with people myself, and I think part of that is not expecting myself or anyone else to be amazing all the time.  So in that spirit, here are some random thoughts that may or may not shed any light into who I am or any other mysteries of life.

1. People who do amazing things usually are not looking for acceptance.  They live, create, and work for the joy of it, and incredible things just happen.  Acceptance and approval are just side effects.  Unfortunately, what often happens next is that they get hooked on the feeling and then try to do what they used to be doing in order to get approval and popular recognition.  Then they stop doing amazing things.

2. In order for someone to love you, they have to know who you really are.  That means you have to be who you really are, or at least attempt to.  Otherwise, the person being loved is someone that doesn't really exist, a fake self of your own creation.  Actually though, people won't love this fake self that much anyway... it'll be more like admiration, because fake selves tend to have only good points and no weaknesses.  Again, it's essential to be genuine.  You might think you want to be impressive, but you really want to be loved.

3. I catch myself trying to be profound even when I've just said I'm not going to.

4. My motto in life: "Stay away from the drama" (bonus points for people who know what song that comes from).

5. It's pretty hard to beat cool summer nights as far as perfect weather goes.

6. My ranking of the seasons: 1) Winter. I'm always hot all the time, and winter is the one time I can avoid this.  Plus, snow is pretty much my favorite thing ever, as I believe I have rhapsodized about on this blog somewhere.  2) Autumn. It sounds much cooler called by its proper name, and the crispness and coolness in the air is amazing.  3) Summer.  Despite the cool nights (which, awesome though they may be, are rare) and the ability to run around and do crazy stuff outside, the extreme heat brings this one down the list. 4) Spring.  Maybe it's just because we hardly have this one in Cleveland or because its main characteristic seems to be incessant rainfall, but I've never been a fan.

7. My ranking of Starburst colors: 1) Pink, the undisputed king (queen?) of the starbursts. 2) Yellow, the underdog that I always get to eat the most of because no one else likes them that much.  3) Orange, nothing fancy, just orange. 4) Red, because I don't like things that are supposed to taste like cherries.  They don't, and what they do taste like is this cough syrup we used to have when I was little.  I've never been able to get past that.

8. I've always been extremely competitive.  As I've gotten older, though, I've started to realize that the people you're playing with/against are more important than winning (a shocking revelation, no? It took me a long time to figure it out).  I still try to do my best, but that really makes it much less of a big deal when I don't win.

9. I do still beat myself up when I don't feel like I personally did as well as I should have, though.  Not saying this is a good thing, just that the competitiveness isn't all the way gone.

10. One of my very favorite things to do is just sit around and have long conversations about things that really matter.  It's impossible to generate those times, but when they happen it's amazing.  It's totally worth going through the times of superficiality and whatever else it may take to get there.

11. Writing gets a lot more fun the less pressure you put on it.  A deadline is one of the biggest forms of pressure ever invented.

12. I just got texting on my phone this past month.  It's amazing.  I don't really know how I made it so long without having it.  (For those of you who are wondering, this does not mean I'm any more likely to ever get Facebook.  I never had any antipathy toward texting, I just didn't have money to pay for it.  Facebook is a completely different story.)

13. Another thing I love doing in the summer is lying down in front of a fan.  My family will tell you that I do this often, at completely unpredictable times.  These are things you learn to do when you don't have A/C.

14. Fourteen is a really random number of things to list, so I'll stop here.  I also like making abrupt exits.

Seasons

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven"

--Ecclesiastes 3:1


My recent season, as you may have noticed, has not been the season for blogging.  It would be easy to say that the reason for my lack of writing and posting is just that I have a lot of other things on my plate at the moment, but I don't think that's really the whole truth.  I was getting frustrated the other day about all the things I have to do, but truth be told I have all the time I need.  Really, I haven't been writing because I haven't felt like I had much of anything to say.

I'm coming to realize that the ongoing battle of adulthood is not just about making it through all your responsibilities to clear out some free time for fun or for pursuing the Lord.  It's about keeping your heart alive, right in the midst of all the stuff of your life, so that you have something to hold onto when the responsibilities are finally finished.

I don't know if you've ever felt like this, but for me it's easy to get lost in the practical.  There are specific things (e.g. my job) that I know God has called me to do, so I tend to focus on just accomplishing those things.  What I mean about keeping your heart alive, though, is that no practical thing you focus on is going to be able to hold up your life by itself.  There has to be something transcendent at the foundation.  I think I was missing God himself in the pursuit of all the things I thought he wanted me to do.

That's how you end up feeling like you don't have anything to say.  And in a sense, maybe it should be considered progress that I've finally realized I should just be quiet if I don't have anything to say (see verse 7 of the same chapter).  I know I've often just talked right on through those times, saying very little in many words, which benefits no one.  Just the absence of speaking by itself, though, is not enough.

I want to be silent before the Lord until he gives me something to speak.

Then, I'll have something worth saying.  The trick is, he's still calling me to do those things that I've let get in the way of seeking him out.  I think what he wants is for me to find him in those things, to pursue the love and joy that he has for me in my job, my friendships, my calling, etc.   I know that I can just practically manage those situations and find that I have nothing to speak in them.  Or, I can try to find the holy moments in the midst of the mundane.

I think doing that will also lead to increased desire to pursue God himself in the quiet (as well as the love he brings me through my friends) when I do have time.  It's like the opposite of a vicious cycle... an upward spiral?  I think that's what St. Anselm was getting at when he prayed this prayer that is also my prayer in this season:

"Lord, let me find you in loving you and love you in finding you."

Amen.

One Step

I'll start off today with a poem I wrote a while ago as I was preparing to graduate from college:

One Step Forward Taken


Somewhere outside empty,
around the corner
from unrest and
down the next
street from destiny
is my intended
destination. I sit
in my life
like a kid
in the car
in the family
driveway and say
Are we there
yet? knowing only
leaving and arriving.
Wherever there is,
I can’t get
to where real
and fake diverge
all at once,
so I tend
to take less
than the first
             step.




I wrote this poem in the midst of thinking about moving out of academia into "real life," but I've realized since then that it applies to so many different situations.  It seems like my brain always wants to do things later or somehow start at a more easily defined time, e.g. "I'll start my workout plan on Monday, but today's Thursday so there's no use starting it now"  or  "Next month I'll have to eat healthier, but this one is already pretty shot" or "Next year I'll really start working towards my goal of dunking a basketball"-- you get the idea.  Goals that seem very big just can't be accomplished all at once, and that can often lead to putting off even their smallest beginnings (which then leads, of course, to putting them off again later).  Those are just examples, but it can happen with anything.

Am I the only one that does stuff like that?  No? Good, I didn't think so.  I think it's really an example of how we listen to the voice of fear in our lives.  The whole situation reminds me of something my pastor likes to say, which I will paraphrase from the Ricktionary like this: "Our enemy always wants us to do things a little, and later.  God wants to give us more, and now!"  And isn't that the truth?  It seems like there is often a questioning voice advising us to hedge our bets or put things off until we're more ready or the time is more right.  But when is that, exactly?

What I'm trying to learn to do is take the first steps.  If I realize something needs to change in my life, I don't want to finish out this week doing it wrong and start trying it the right way on Monday!  I need to accept that real change is messier than that and can't be confined to my (sometimes unreasonable) desire for order.  I want to take the first step toward doing the things God has placed in my heart right now, right here in the middle of all the ridiculous mess and chaos.  I don't have time to wait for things to be more right or ready.  A little and later just isn't going to cut it for me; I need more of God and his help, and I need it now!

That might seem a little demanding, and I guess maybe it is.  All I know is that God has given us the green light to come after him with that kind of intensity.  Check out Genesis 32.  Jacob wrestled with God (!!) all through the night and wouldn't stop until he received a blessing.  He wasn't like, "let me just get things straight with my brother who wants to kill me and then I'll start following you and seeking your blessing."  He knew he couldn't go any further without God's blessing and he needed it right then.  He took the one step he needed to take, even though he took it (and every other step from then on) with a limp.

I don't want my fear of limping to get in the way of my taking that first step, whatever it may be.

There's no time to waste.