Seasons

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven"

--Ecclesiastes 3:1


My recent season, as you may have noticed, has not been the season for blogging.  It would be easy to say that the reason for my lack of writing and posting is just that I have a lot of other things on my plate at the moment, but I don't think that's really the whole truth.  I was getting frustrated the other day about all the things I have to do, but truth be told I have all the time I need.  Really, I haven't been writing because I haven't felt like I had much of anything to say.

I'm coming to realize that the ongoing battle of adulthood is not just about making it through all your responsibilities to clear out some free time for fun or for pursuing the Lord.  It's about keeping your heart alive, right in the midst of all the stuff of your life, so that you have something to hold onto when the responsibilities are finally finished.

I don't know if you've ever felt like this, but for me it's easy to get lost in the practical.  There are specific things (e.g. my job) that I know God has called me to do, so I tend to focus on just accomplishing those things.  What I mean about keeping your heart alive, though, is that no practical thing you focus on is going to be able to hold up your life by itself.  There has to be something transcendent at the foundation.  I think I was missing God himself in the pursuit of all the things I thought he wanted me to do.

That's how you end up feeling like you don't have anything to say.  And in a sense, maybe it should be considered progress that I've finally realized I should just be quiet if I don't have anything to say (see verse 7 of the same chapter).  I know I've often just talked right on through those times, saying very little in many words, which benefits no one.  Just the absence of speaking by itself, though, is not enough.

I want to be silent before the Lord until he gives me something to speak.

Then, I'll have something worth saying.  The trick is, he's still calling me to do those things that I've let get in the way of seeking him out.  I think what he wants is for me to find him in those things, to pursue the love and joy that he has for me in my job, my friendships, my calling, etc.   I know that I can just practically manage those situations and find that I have nothing to speak in them.  Or, I can try to find the holy moments in the midst of the mundane.

I think doing that will also lead to increased desire to pursue God himself in the quiet (as well as the love he brings me through my friends) when I do have time.  It's like the opposite of a vicious cycle... an upward spiral?  I think that's what St. Anselm was getting at when he prayed this prayer that is also my prayer in this season:

"Lord, let me find you in loving you and love you in finding you."

Amen.